Couples have a lot of reasons to see a marriage therapist: arguments, emotional neglect, finances, affairs. But most couples never think that their marriage will be sabotaged by their in-laws. Some in-laws seem like a dream parents, where they help with raising the kids, come over for a glass of wine, and even become very close with their daughter or son-in-law.
Some are also in-laws that seemingly interfere in marriages at every chance they get. Interference can happen suddenly or build up over time, catching couples off guard. “You’re doing everything wrong. If that was my child, they would never do that.”
In-laws are part of a marriage. They have hopes and dreams for their adult child’s marriage, and when it feels like their expectations aren’t being met, they may start interfering with your marriage. Sometimes, ongoing tension or interference may be happening beneath the surface, even when everything seems fine.
Initially, everything may go well, and you can brush it off. You might even bicker with your spouse over the interference, but it seems innocent enough and not a big deal. We all want to keep the peace over the long haul, but it’s a lot harder than it sounds. There often comes a moment when couples realize the true intentions behind their in-laws’ actions or the impact those actions are having on their relationship.
Stopping your in-laws from interfering with your marriage will take work – sometimes a lot of it if you’re dealing with particularly anxious in-laws. While you and your spouse will have to work as a team to overcome in-law drama, it’s certainly possible to “in-law proof” your marriage, and remain happy together.
Key Highlights When In-Laws Interfere in Marriage
- Recognize the Signs: Subtle or overt interference from in-laws—like unsolicited advice or frequent criticism—can erode the health of a marriage if not addressed early and directly.
- Prioritize Your Partnership: Putting your marriage first and working as a team is essential for creating emotional safety; unity with your spouse is the cornerstone for handling in-law challenges.
- Set and Enforce Boundaries: Clearly communicate limits with respect—such as requiring notice before visits—and follow through consistently to protect your personal space and relationship.
- Communicate with Purpose: Develop shared strategies, use “we” language, and plan responses together to present a united front, reducing stress and strengthening the bond between you and your spouse.
Signs of Interference
Recognizing when in-laws are crossing the line is the first step toward protecting your marriage. Interference can show up in many ways—sometimes it’s the steady stream of unsolicited advice about how you should parent your children, manage your finances, or even run your household. Other times, it’s subtle comments that create tension or make your partner feel like their choices are always under scrutiny. For example, a mother-in-law who frequently offers parenting advice without being asked can unintentionally lead to feelings of resentment and frustration.
Many couples find that these small intrusions, if left unchecked, can build up and affect the overall health of their relationship. It’s essential to be aware of these signs and address them early. Setting boundaries and having open conversations with your in-laws can help resolve conflicts before they escalate, ensuring your marriage remains strong and your family dynamic stays positive.
Family Dynamics
Every family has unique dynamics, and understanding these can make a big difference when dealing with in-laws. The relationships within your extended family—how other family members interact with your in-laws, for example—can influence your own experiences. If you notice that other family members are also struggling with similar issues, it can be helpful to come together and discuss your concerns openly. Creating a united front and showing mutual respect for each other’s boundaries can go a long way in reducing tension and improving relationships. Awareness of the laws, traditions, and cultural expectations shaping your family’s interactions can also provide valuable insight. By understanding the bigger picture and working together, you can create a more harmonious environment and resolve conflicts more effectively.
Remember: Your Marriage Comes First
Your marriage is important. Your relationship with your parents is important. And while no one wants to choose, you have to ask yourself “which relationship comes first?” Of course, most people want to have a healthy relationship with their parents.
But you’re now a family with your spouse. You’re a team. Remember, a strong partnership is essential for overcoming in-law interference and maintaining unity in your marriage.
There will be trials and tribulations. You’ll be mad, sad, happy, angry, emotional, vulnerable, and sometimes, all of these emotions will hit at once. Problems arise when you start blaming your spouse for things, such as:
· Hey mom. Well, we aren’t coming over today because Johan doesn’t want to come.
· Hey dad. Anastasia doesn’t want to come over this weekend, so you’ll need to see your grandkids another day.
When you throw your spouse under the bus, you’re forgetting that you’re on the same team together. It’s important to be mindful of how your partner feels when discussing issues with your parents, as this can impact trust and emotional safety in your relationship.
You and your spouse will have to work as a team to navigate these challenges. Open communication is key to maintaining a strong partnership and ensuring both partners feel heard and supported.
A key part of the Loving at Your Best Plan is Emotionally Focused Therapy in NYC. Our EFT-trained therapists can help you foster a secure bond. When you’re experiencing relationship distress, we can help you navigate in-law challenges, so you’ll be sure to overcome the issue you’re experiencing.
Which partner addresses the parents? Knowing this answer can save you a lot of heartache.
Keep Conflict and Discussions Calm
In addition to Emotionally Focused Therapy, the Loving at Your Best Plan uses Gottman Method Couples Therapy. One of the cornerstones of the Gottman Method is to keep conflict and discussions calm. Your mom or dad may be interfering, or his parents may be driving you crazy, but these issues should never lead to either spouse jumping into a defensive mode. It is important to choose to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively, as this can help prevent misunderstandings and escalation.
The Gottman Method involves helping partners remain calm when discussing conflict. The way you speak to your spouse and in-laws, using respectful and considerate language, can greatly influence the outcome of conflicts and foster mutual respect.
You and your spouse have valid concerns, and even if you don’t feel like there’s a problem, they might. When a spouse is feeling stuck, it’s important for them to breakthrough this conflict —as a team.
Marriage isn’t always easy. You have to put a lot of work into it. Sometimes your blood may be boiling, but lashing out at your partner can make things much worse.
We work on tools to help partners remain calm, even during conflict discussions. The words you choose during these moments have the power to either de-escalate or escalate conflict, so mindful communication is essential. If you keep calm, you’ll have a much better chance of overcoming your in-law problems than if you neglect your spouse’s feelings. Choosing your parents over your spouse is a recipe for relationship disorder. — do all that you can to help your spouse feel like you are part of a team together, so they never feel alone. Your spouse needs to be your most important priority in your life for your marriage to thrive.
Set Boundaries
We’ve already focused on how crucial it is to be a team and to remain calm during conflicts, but you now have to deal with the in-laws, or ideally your own parents, to put an end to the issues you’re facing. Sometimes this is really difficult. Be mindful that in almost all cases, outside of toxic parents, in-laws are part of your family. A delicate approach is needed. Setting a clear boundary and recognizing when your limits are being pushed is essential to maintaining control and security in your relationship.
A key part is that the spouse address the issues with their own partners, not the other partner with the in-laws. The spouse needs to empathically set boundaries — one key to success. If boundaries are repeatedly crossed, it may be necessary to limit interactions to protect your well-being. Even if the parents don’t listen, it’s important to explain:
· While you respect their thoughts on your parenting style, you’re uncomfortable with their unsolicited advice.
· The key that you gave them to enter your apartment or home is for emergencies – not to pop over unexpectedly. Maintaining control over your home and ensuring your security is a reasonable boundary.
In many cases, people see a marriage therapist because they assume that their in-laws are trying to intentionally be difficult. In most cases, in-laws are very emotionally invested in the lives of their children or their grandchildren, and they’re often trying to be helpful. However, their demands can sometimes create tension, so it’s important to focus on the best interest of your marriage and set clear limits when needed.
We know it may not seem that way, but most parents aren’t trying to cause you marital distress. Being caught in the middle between your spouse and your parents can hurt both partners, and understanding what has happened in the past can help inform better boundaries for the future.
If you can, have an open and honest discussion with your parents about any issues that they’re causing in your marriage. There is a responsibility to communicate clearly and stand firm in your decisions as a couple. Both the husband and wife play a role in setting boundaries, and sometimes the father may need to be addressed directly to establish mutual respect. Laws may also provide guidance on family roles and boundaries, helping you navigate these situations. Focusing on what matters most—your marriage and personal well-being—should always be a priority. Remember, being a person with your own needs and limits is essential in these dynamics. Couples who have talked openly about these issues are better equipped to handle them. If you need help, we’re here to help you both navigate this sometimes treacherous water.
Navigating Family Events
Family events and gatherings often bring out the best—and sometimes the worst—in family dynamics, especially when in-laws are involved. It’s essential for you and your partner to be on the same page before attending family events, so you can present a united front and set boundaries as needed. If you feel your in-laws are being overly critical or intrusive during these occasions, talk with your partner ahead of time and decide how you’ll handle any issues together. Many couples find it helpful to establish clear expectations and boundaries before family events, which can prevent misunderstandings and reduce tension. By communicating openly and showing mutual respect, you can create a sense of understanding that makes family gatherings more enjoyable for everyone. Remember, dealing with in-laws at family events doesn’t have to create conflict—setting boundaries and supporting each other is key to maintaining peace and strengthening your relationship.
Enhancing Empathy and Understanding
Building empathy and understanding with your in-laws can transform challenging relationships into more positive ones. Try to see things from their perspective—maybe they’re feeling left out, or perhaps they’re genuinely trying to help, even if their approach isn’t ideal. Making an effort to include your in-laws in family activities or scheduling regular visits can help them feel valued and reduce tension. Actively listening to their concerns and communicating with mutual respect can go a long way in resolving conflicts and creating a sense of harmony. Many couples discover that seeking guidance from a therapist or counselor can be especially helpful in navigating complex family dynamics and enhancing empathy. By focusing on understanding and respect, you can create stronger, healthier relationships with your in-laws and within your own family.
Seeking Support
Dealing with difficult in-laws can feel overwhelming, but you don’t have to face it alone. Many couples benefit from seeking support—whether it’s talking to a therapist, joining a support group, or simply reaching out to trusted friends or family members. Having someone to talk to can provide a sense of relief and help you gain new perspectives on your situation. Setting boundaries, communicating openly, and seeking support are essential steps in managing tension and building a stronger relationship with your partner. Remember, prioritizing your relationship and getting the help you need can create a more peaceful and loving family environment. If you’re struggling to navigate the challenges of in-law relationships, don’t hesitate to seek support—it’s a sign of strength and commitment to your marriage.
Don’t Force the Relationship
Your spouse may despise your parents. While you may not want to face this reality, they don’t need to fall in love with your parents. Or if you’re the other spouse, your partner doesn’t have to want to spend every waking moment with your parents.
A few ways to keep the peace and stop any relationship problems in the process are:
· Figure out your holidays upfront. Holidays can be a time for contention if your spouse wants to visit their parents and you want to visit yours. Splitting holiday time works best in many cases. Ignoring this difficult talk won’t change things. Sit down. Talk. Laugh. Argue. And get it done as early in the relationship as possible.
· Keep an open mind. It’s not uncommon to get defensive of your parents. You love them (hopefully). But you have to keep an open mind and think situations over before arguing. Is your mom being overbearing? Was what your dad said rude?
· Be the spokesperson. Your spouse shouldn’t be left trying to work out the relationship with your parents alone — it’s a recipe for disaster. You should be the meditator and enforcer. Is your mom pushing for a holiday when you already agreed to spend time with your spouse’s parents? You have to put your foot down.
You also have to learn one very important and difficult thing that will strengthen your relationship forever: know when to let things go. A lot of the time, we have expectations of our spouses that never materialize. Your spouse may not want to spend every Sunday watching the big game with your dad.
Chances are, you don’t want to go shopping every weekend with your partner’s mom. Lower your expectations and let it go. You can still see your parents and protect your marriage. They don’t have to be the dealbreaker in whether you see your parents and have a loving relationship with them.
If you need extra help to navigate sensitive in-law issues with your spouse, turn to us for help.
Frequently Asked Questions about In-Laws and Marriage
How do we manage in-laws who negatively impact our marriage?
Managing negative influences from in-laws starts with the two of you as a couple. Prioritize your new family unit over families of origin—this is where emotional safety springs from, and closeness can grow. Talk openly with your spouse about what’s happening. Agree together on boundaries that make sense and stick with them, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. Present a united front, and remind each other that your marriage matters most. When both partners are on the same team, in-law issues are far easier to navigate.
What strategies work for setting boundaries with our parents?
Setting boundaries takes courage. Begin by discussing with your partner exact situations where you need to draw a line, whether it’s unscheduled visits, unsolicited parenting advice, or financial interference. The spouse whose parent is crossing the line should initiate the boundary conversation—calmly, firmly, and respectfully. Be clear about what will change and why, keeping the focus on what’s best for your marriage. If those boundaries aren’t honored, reinforce them together with consistency and kindness.
Why do some parents interfere when their child gets married?
It’s usually less about control and more about loss. When an adult child marries, parents often feel left behind or out of the loop. This sense of loss may come out as meddling, criticism, or clinginess. Their actions may irritate you or your spouse, but underneath, it’s often grief. Understanding this dynamic won’t fix everything, but it does make setting boundaries a little less fraught—sometimes, empathy helps as much as firmness.
Is it normal to feel caught in the middle between my spouse and my parents?
Completely normal. Many experience loyalty conflicts, torn between old and new families. If you find yourself defending your parents to your spouse or vice versa, pause and ask: Who comes first? Trust grows when both partners feel chosen, and parents are included where possible, but always after protecting the marriage bond.
What are clear signs of toxic behavior from in-laws?
Toxic in-laws don’t just interfere; they upend your peace. They may use guilt trips, play the victim, or try to manipulate your spouse for loyalty at your expense. Constant criticism—of your parenting, your lifestyle, or even your looks—can wear you down. Others gossip about you to the rest of the family, attempt to isolate you, or demand apologies without ever offering one themselves. When every interaction leaves you feeling small, helpless, or alone, something is out of balance.
How do I cope with toxic in-laws to protect my marriage and mental health?
If you’re facing toxic behavior—manipulation, harsh criticism, boundary violations, or emotional games—protect your mental health first. Discuss limits with your spouse and stand together. Limit contact when needed and create clear expectations. Seek support from friends, a therapist, or support groups. Remember: you are not alone. Distance from toxic in-laws may be necessary for your relationship to heal and thrive.
Why do toxic in-laws disregard boundaries and refuse to apologize?
For some, respecting boundaries feels threatening. If a parent is used to having their way or being at the center of family life, they may react poorly to new limits. Ignoring boundaries is often about maintaining control, not about caring for your marriage. Refusing to apologize can be a way of avoiding responsibility. This refusal makes it tough to resolve conflicts and can leave you feeling powerless. In such cases, keep your expectations realistic—focus on what you and your spouse can control.
What if my spouse’s parents constantly compete for their attention?
When in-laws compete for your spouse’s attention, it creates a tug-of-war that no one wins. These bids for loyalty force your partner to choose sides and build resentment over time. Be proactive: decide together how you’ll respond, schedule dedicated time for your own marriage, and make decisions as a couple. Reassure your spouse that honoring marital commitments comes first.
Can regular negativity and criticism from in-laws affect my self-esteem or marriage?
Absolutely. Relentless negativity—it’s like a drip, drip, drip that slowly chips away at self-esteem. Small slights accumulate and leave you doubting yourself and your choices. Over time, the strain can seep into your marriage, making you and your partner feel more alone. If this sounds familiar, it’s time to circle the wagons: build each other up and step away from the negativity as much as possible.
How can I reduce feelings of isolation or alienation caused by toxic in-laws?
Toxic family dynamics can leave you feeling like an outsider in your own marriage. Combat this by strengthening your partnership: schedule quality time together, talk about what you’re experiencing, and seek outside support if needed. Remember that your sense of belonging must start with your own family unit. You don’t have to navigate this alone—support and understanding can help ease the sense of isolation.
If in-law issues are affecting your marriage, remember there’s no rule that says you have to figure it all out by yourself. Sometimes, reaching out for expert help is the bravest step you can take.
How do we actually enforce boundaries with our in-laws?
Enforcing boundaries isn’t just about setting them—it’s also about following through. Start by talking with your spouse and pinpointing the behaviors that disrupt your marriage, like unannounced visits or frequent criticisms. When you discuss these behaviors with your in-laws, speak up calmly but clearly. For example: “We would appreciate a phone call before you stop by; unplanned visits make it hard for us to plan our time as a couple.” Consistency is critical. Hold your ground gently, and if boundaries are crossed again, revisit the conversation as a united team.
What’s the best way to communicate with in-laws about behaviors we want to change, like dropping by without notice?
Specificity makes all the difference. Instead of vague or indirect complaints, describe exactly what needs to be different. “We need a heads up before visits, so we can be ready and make the time enjoyable for everyone.” This approach feels less like rejection and more like an invitation to a better relationship. Stay kind, be firm, and avoid blaming language—focus on how these boundaries protect your marriage and personal space.
How can we create a strong family identity that’s separate from our extended families?
Developing a sense of “us” is crucial for marriage stability. This might mean celebrating certain holidays alone, establishing new traditions together, or just deciding as a couple what values matter most in your household. The more you nurture your own rituals and priorities, the easier it is to distinguish your immediate family from all the noise and pressure of extended relatives.
What’s the best way to balance our marriage with the expectations of extended family?
It’s a delicate dance. Listen to what your families hope for, but don’t lose sight of what strengthens your relationship. Keep checking in as a couple: “Does this tradition work for us? Do we need to adjust our involvement?” Sometimes you’ll say yes, sometimes no, but always circle back to what feels right for your partnership first.
How should we talk with each other about challenging in-law issues without fighting?
Start with empathy. Remember, both you and your spouse are feeling the pressure—maybe in different ways. Instead of blaming, try: “How does this feel for you?” or “What do you wish your parents would change?” When planning for possible in-law conflicts, talk through different scenarios and agree on responses together. Planning ahead makes difficult moments easier to handle and shows you’re a team.
How does empathizing with my spouse during in-law drama help our relationship?
Empathy lightens the load. When one partner feels seen and supported, their anxiety drops. During tough conversations about family, be quick to validate: “This sounds upsetting; I want to help.” Small gestures—listening without judgment, offering comfort—build trust and keep both of you grounded as a united front.
What’s an effective way for us to prepare for common in-law situations?
Treat it like preparing for a big game: talk through what could happen, from mild annoyances to full-blown drama. Decide ahead of time who will speak up and how you’ll address anything uncomfortable. Planning cuts down on anxiety, and you’ll both feel ready for whatever comes your way.
How can couples communicate boundaries to in-laws without sounding divided?
Speak as one. “We need…” or “We’ve decided…” signals unity and leaves no room for triangulation. Avoid phrasing like “she wants us to…” or “he said…” because that sends the message that you aren’t on the same page. United language—using “we”—shows your in-laws you’re working together, always putting your marriage first. That sense of partnership is the foundation for healthy boundaries and lasting peace.
If in-law dynamics have become overwhelming, remember: clear boundaries, open conversations, and unwavering partnership will always steer you back toward harmony.
What are some effective ways to talk with my spouse about in-law problems so we present a united front?
When it comes to in-law challenges, the best approach starts at home—just the two of you. Set aside time to talk openly about what’s working and what feels overwhelming. Listen to each other’s experiences without judgment, even if your reactions differ. After sharing, move to problem-solving together: “How should we respond the next time your mother gives parenting advice?” or “What should we say if your dad keeps showing up unannounced?”
Rehearse responses as a team so neither partner feels put on the spot. For example: “We’ve agreed to call first before visits,” or “We appreciate your advice, but we’ve made our own decision.” Planning these conversations ahead of time doesn’t just reduce anxiety—it sends a message to your in-laws that you’re both in agreement. Over time, developing scripts for common scenarios helps you stay calm and connected even when external pressures mount. Partnership and preparation go hand in hand.
