What lessons did you learn from your family about emotions? Your caregivers communicated a belief about emotions, whether you realized it or not, that probably affects you today in your marriage or love relationship. How has this emotional philosophy affected you when you’ve experienced key moments of vulnerability in your life?
Your family’s approach to emotions shaped how you connect with others. This isn’t dramatic or abstract; it shows up in everyday moments with your partner.
When you felt something as a kid, what happened? Were those feelings welcomed, dismissed, punished? That pattern tends to repeat.
Why Does Your Emotional History Matter So Much?
One of the strongest contributors to how you’ll connect with your partner or spouse is your emotional experience, and this helps shape your ability to connect in your closest relationships, unless you’re able to realize how the past may be interfering with your present situation. We all respond to situations in different ways, and one of the strongest influences on how we react is our family history.
Why Not Just Forget About Your Past? If you work on understanding it, won’t you just get stuck in it?
Exploring your family history isn’t always easy. Why revisit the past?
Because the brain doesn’t actually forget early emotional experiences. They stay encoded and influence how we interpret the present.
For example, when you meet someone for the first time, they may remind your of someone significant in your life, like a sibling, a past lover, or a past friend. These associations can have positive or negative assumptions to them that may not fit the actual person in front of you now, yet you may immediately start to treat them like the person your brain is associating them with. We can see how this could lead to some bad scenarios.
Going Deeper
Becoming more aware of these associations helps. When you notice an outsized reaction, something in the present has triggered a pattern from the past.
Therapy can help you separate those two things, so your partner isn’t carrying the weight of your history.
We use many tools at the Loving at Your Best Plan to help couples work detangle past experiences without becoming mired in or overwhelmed by the past. You can contact one of our therapists and meet with them to help uncover what may be holding you back from getting the love that you really need and deserve in your life.
Share Your Experiences
Have an experience when a past event shaped your response to the present? Share your experiences to help others relate to them. If you liked this article, feel free to forward it to a friend or loved one.
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Travis Atkinson, LCSW, specializes in evidence-based couples therapy including the Gottman Method, EFT, and Schema Therapy, for couples in NYC and online. Take the first step today.
