Your partner rolled their eyes again during dinner at Gramercy Tavern.
Not the playful kind. The other kind. The kind that makes your stomach drop. You’re both successful, articulate people who negotiate million-dollar deals at work. Yet somehow, at home, you can’t seem to talk about who forgot to order groceries without World War III breaking out.
Welcome to what John Gottman calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Four communication patterns so destructive they can predict divorce with eerie accuracy. The metaphor comes from the New Testament’s Book of Revelation, where four riders herald the end times. Dramatic? Perhaps. But after studying over 3,000 couples in his research, Dr. Gottman discovered these patterns could predict relationship doom with 83% accuracy. Dr. John Gottman suggests that avoiding the Four Horsemen is critical for maintaining healthy relationships.
That’s a higher success rate than most hedge funds.
Key Takeaways: What You Need to Know About the Four Horsemen
- Eye rolling isn’t just rude. It’s the most dangerous thing you can do in your relationship. John Gottman’s research identified one specific behavior as the single greatest predictor of divorce. That dismissive gesture during your argument? It might be destroying more than you realize. The science behind why the four horsemen behaviors (including eye rolling) are so lethal will change how you see every conflict in your relationship.
- There’s a 92% accurate test for divorce. And it’s based on science, not magic. After studying over 3,000 couples, researchers discovered they could predict with 92% accuracy which marriages would end by identifying the four horsemen. Travis Atkinson, a Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist since 2006, uses this same scientifically-proven approach. For example, he can spot these destructive patterns in the first session. The 4 horsemen Gottman identified (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) are measurable. The antidotes are proven. And the first step is recognizing which horsemen have invaded your relationship.
- Your relationship has a hidden ratio that determines everything. Healthy couples maintain a specific balance during conflict. When the four horsemen take over, this ratio flips catastrophically. Travis and the team at Loving at Your Best have spent two decades helping Manhattan and Brooklyn couples restore what’s been lost. Examples from their practice show how quickly the four horsemen can be tamed once you understand them.
- 69% of your fights will never be resolved. Here’s why that’s actually good news. The couples who thrive aren’t the ones who agree on everything in their relationship. They’ve learned something crucial about the four horsemen that changes how conflict works. Find out what separates relationships that last from those that spiral into relationship doom.
At Loving at Your Best Marriage and Couples Counseling, we’ve spent over two decades helping New York couples recognize and overcome these toxic patterns. Travis Atkinson, our founder and Director, has been a Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist since 2006. He’s guided thousands of couples through this transformation. The four horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) don’t announce themselves with trumpets. They slip into your relationship quietly, disguised as normal conflict.
But here’s what most people miss: each of these horsemen has an antidote. You can actually reverse the damage. The first step is understanding what you’re dealing with.
The Four Horsemen: Meet the Architects of Relationship Conflict
Criticism (First Horseman): When Complaints Become Character Assassination
Criticism attacks your partner’s character rather than addressing a specific behavior.
There’s a difference between “I felt hurt when you didn’t call” and “You’re so selfish. You never think about anyone but yourself.” Notice the shift? The first expresses feelings about an action. The second launches an ad hominem attack on the person’s entire character.
In Brooklyn brownstones and Upper East Side apartments, we hear this constantly. High-achieving professionals who excel at giving feedback at work but can’t separate their partner from their partner’s actions at home. The Gottman Method research shows that criticism often begins when unmet needs fester. You wanted connection. Your partner was distracted. Instead of expressing that specific feeling, you attack: “You’re always on your phone. What’s wrong with you?” People exhibiting BPD symptoms engage in more criticism during conflicts with their partners, further complicating relationship dynamics.
The Antidote: Gentle Start-Up
Express your feelings using “I” statements. Focus on specific behaviors, not sweeping character judgments. “I feel lonely when we don’t talk during dinner” opens a conversation. “You don’t care about me anymore” closes it. Dead.
Contempt (Second Horseman): The Relationship Killer
If criticism is dangerous, contempt is lethal.
Contempt treats your partner with disgust and moral superiority. Eye rolling. Sneering. Name calling. Sarcasm dripping with disdain. “Oh, you’re tired? That’s rich. I’ve been up since 5 a.m. while you slept in until seven.” This horseman doesn’t just attack. It positions you above your partner, as if you’re a disappointed parent scolding a wayward child.
John Gottman’s research identified contempt as the single greatest predictor of divorce. A 2019 study linked contemptuous behavior to poor health outcomes in both partners. Why? Because contempt communicates disgust and superiority in ways that leave your partner feeling attacked, small, and worthless. Eye rolling during a conflict discussion might seem minor. It’s not. It signals that you view your partner with derision.
One of our clients (a successful attorney in Tribeca) would unconsciously curl her lip when her husband talked about his day. She didn’t even realize she was doing it until we reviewed a video of their interaction during therapy. Her husband noticed, though. Every. Single. Time. Yes, that is one of the four horsemen.
The Antidote: Build a Culture of Appreciation and Respect
Consciously focus on your partner’s positive qualities. Express gratitude regularly—not as a strategy but as a genuine practice. When you need to address conflict, do so without contempt. No eye rolling, no sneering, no acting like you’re morally superior. Even if you’re frustrated, you can communicate without disgust.
Defensiveness (Third Horseman): The Blame Game Nobody Wins
“It’s not my fault we’re late. You’re the one who had to change outfits three times.”
Defensiveness occurs when feeling attacked triggers a defensive response. Instead of taking responsibility for even a small part of the problem, you deflect blame entirely onto your partner. You might engage in righteous indignation (that feeling that you’re morally justified in your response because your partner wronged you first).
The problem? Defensiveness stops all problem solving. When both people are busy defending their positions and blaming each other, no one listens. No one’s working toward a resolution. You’re stuck in an endless loop of “Yes, but YOU…”
The Gottman Method research shows that defensive responses escalate conflict rather than resolve it. There is a reason it is one of the four horsemen. In Manhattan, where both partners often have demanding careers, we constantly see this play out around household responsibilities. “I would have done the dishes, but you didn’t remind me” becomes “Well, if you weren’t so controlling, I wouldn’t need reminding” becomes a fight about seventeen different things that happened in 2019. Partners of individuals with BPD display more defensiveness and stonewalling behaviors, which can further intensify conflicts.
The Antidote: Accept Responsibility
Take responsibility for your part. Even if it’s a tiny part. Even if you genuinely believe you’re only 2% wrong. “You’re right, I should have texted you I’d be late” defuses everything. It creates room for your partner to soften, too. When you accept responsibility, you transform the conversation from a battle into a collaboration.
Stonewalling (Fourth Horseman): The Great Shutdown
Stonewalling is emotional withdrawal. Your partner is talking, maybe even yelling, and you’ve left the building mentally. You might be acting busy (checking your phone, organizing papers, loading the dishwasher with exaggerated care). You’re employing distracting behaviors to avoid the conversation entirely.
Why do people stonewall? Usually because they’re feeling overwhelmed. During intense conflict, your heart rate increases, stress hormones flood your system, and your fight-or-flight response kicks in. Stonewalling feels like self-protection. But to your partner, it reads as dismissal and abandonment.
We see this pattern frequently with male partners in our practice, though anyone as a person can stonewall. One client (a tech executive in DUMBO) would literally walk out of the room whenever his husband raised concerns about their relationship. Not because he didn’t care. Because he cared intensely and felt completely overwhelmed by the emotions involved.
The Antidote: Physiological Self-Soothing
When you notice yourself shutting down, for example, say so. “I need a break. I’m feeling overwhelmed. Can we continue this conversation in 20 minutes?” Then, actually take that break to calm your nervous system. Listen to music. Take a shower. Do something genuinely soothing. The key is communicating the break and returning to the conversation once you’re regulated. Don’t just vanish. There is a healthy way to press pause.
Why the Four Horsemen Matter (And Why You Probably Have at Least One)
Most couples encounter these horsemen behaviors at some point. You’re not doomed just because you occasionally get defensive or critical during conflict. The danger comes when these patterns become your default communication styles. When contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling dominate your interactions more than connection, understanding, and respect do. Criticism and defensiveness from individuals with BPD and their partners contribute to worsening relationship dynamics over time, making it even more essential to address these patterns early. People with more borderline personality disorder (BPD) symptoms and their partners report lower relationship satisfaction, highlighting the importance of addressing these behaviors in therapy.
Think of it this way: John Gottman’s research found that healthy couples maintain a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions during conflict. Five positive comments, gestures, or moments for every negative one. That’s the magic ratio. When the four horsemen run rampant, that ratio flips. Negative interactions in communication styles overwhelm the positive ones. And that’s when relationships start to fail. BPD symptoms are linked to a more negative emotional bank account in relationships, affecting satisfaction for both partners and making it harder to maintain this crucial balance.
The Gottman Method: Science Meets Real Life in New York City
The Gottman Method isn’t therapy based on theory or good intentions of a person. It’s built on rigorous research spanning four decades that discovered the horsemen of the apocalypse. Dr. Gottman and his team observed thousands of couples in their “Love Lab” (actually watching how people interact, measuring physiological responses, and following couples over years to see whose relationships thrived and whose dissolved).
What emerged was a clear example and map of how relationships work. And how they break down.
The method teaches couples to recognize the four horsemen behaviors when they appear, counteract negativity with proven antidotes, build emotional connection through daily micro-moments, manage conflict in a healthy way rather than avoiding it, and create shared meaning and purpose in the relationship.
At Loving at Your Best Marriage and Couples Counseling, Travis Atkinson (who has been a Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist since 2006) and his team use this research-based approach with Manhattan and Brooklyn couples every day. His team includes Senior Clinician Paul Chiariello, Couples and Family Specialist Tiffany Goldberg, and Sex and Intimacy Specialist Jon Prezant.
What Actually Happens in Gottman Method Therapy
First, assessment. We evaluate your relationship across multiple dimensions: friendship and intimacy, conflict management, shared meaning. We identify which of the four horsemen show up in your relationship and how often.
Then, intervention. We teach you the antidotes to the horsemen of the apocalypse. You practice them. Not in some abstract, theoretical way, but in real conversations about real issues happening in your life right now. You learn to notice when you’re being critical and shift to expressing feelings instead. You catch yourself before the eye rolling starts. You take responsibility for your small part in the conflict before demanding your partner take responsibility for theirs.
We also work on what Gottman calls “emotional bids.” Those small moments when your partner reaches out for connection. “Look at this article.” “Did you hear that noise?” “Want to watch something tonight?” These seem trivial. They’re not. How you respond to these bids (whether you turn toward your partner with interest or turn away with indifference) predicts relationship success more than how you handle major conflicts. Regular check-ins encourage open communication and help resolve small issues before they escalate.
The Research Behind the Results: Stop Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling
Over 40 years of research. More than 3,000 couples studied. Published findings in peer-reviewed journals. The Gottman Method isn’t based on hunches. It’s based on data.
One study followed couples for 12 years and found that the presence of contempt in year one could predict divorce or separation with startling accuracy. Another study examined physiological responses during conflict discussions and discovered that when heart rates exceeded 100 beats per minute, constructive conversation became nearly impossible. Yet another piece of research demonstrated that couples who maintained high levels of friendship and turned toward each other’s bids for connection stayed satisfied even when they disagreed about many things.
This evidence base sets the Gottman Method apart. It’s why major institutions (from the military to healthcare systems) have adopted Gottman training for their staff. And it’s why sophisticated New York couples seeking real solutions choose this approach.
Creating Healthier Habits: Beyond the Four Horsemen
Understanding the four horsemen is crucial. But the real transformation happens when you build new patterns to replace the destructive ones. Spending quality time together can strengthen a couple’s bond, creating opportunities to connect and reinforce positive communication habits.
First Step: Practice Appreciation Daily
Not just when your partner does something exceptional. Notice the small things as an example of relationship health. “Thank you for making coffee this morning.” “I appreciate how you handled that situation with your mother.” Gratitude creates positive emotions that buffer against conflict. It reminds you both why you chose this person in the first place.
In our work with Upper West Side and Park Slope couples juggling demanding careers and family responsibilities, we’ve seen this simple practice transform relationships. They’ve stopped behaviors linked to the horsemen of the apocalypse. When you regularly express appreciation, contempt can’t take root. You’re training yourself to focus on what your partner does right rather than cataloging their mistakes.
Learn Your Partner’s Inner World
Successful relationships aren’t built on compatibility alone. They’re built on deep understanding of each other’s hopes, fears, dreams, and values. The Gottman Method calls this creating “Love Maps.” That detailed knowledge of your partner’s inner landscape. People with BPD often experience difficulties with understanding social cues, which affects their romantic relationships. This makes building and maintaining these Love Maps even more critical for fostering connection and empathy.
What stresses them out at work? What are they insecure about? What do they dream about for the future? When did they feel most proud of themselves? Most couples can’t answer these questions about their partner with any depth or focus. But couples who can (couples who stay curious about each other) maintain connection even when life gets overwhelming.
Manage Conflict Without Destroying Each Other with the Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Here’s a radical idea: you don’t need to resolve every conflict. Some problems in relationships are perpetual. They’ll never fully go away. You’re introverted; your partner’s extroverted. You’re frugal; they’re generous. You want to live in Manhattan; they’re dreaming of Westchester.
The goal isn’t to make these differences disappear. The goal is to talk about them in a way that respects both people’s feelings and needs as a person. The Gottman Method research shows that 69% of relationship conflict is about perpetual problems. Successful couples learn to dialogue about these issues with humor, acceptance, and understanding rather than trying to “win” the argument.
Repair Early and Often to Succeed at Conflict Discussion
During any conflict discussion, things can go wrong. You might slip into criticism, for example. Your partner might get defensive. Someone’s feelings might be hurt despite good intentions. This is normal. What matters is repair. Those moments when you notice the conversation going south and actively redirect it.
“Wait, I don’t want to fight about this. Can we start over?”
“I’m sorry. That came out more harshly than I meant.”
“You’re right. I was being defensive. Tell me again what you need.”
These repair attempts are crucial. They prevent small disagreements from snowballing into relationship-threatening events. Selfish leaves partners’ vocabulary. And here’s the surprising part: the Gottman Method research shows that successful repair attempts are more important than avoiding conflict altogether. Couples who can break the negative cycle and re-establish connection (even in the middle of an argument) report higher relationship satisfaction than couples who rarely fight but can’t repair when they do.
Real Transformation: What Changes When You Conquer the John Gottman Four Horsemen?
After working with couples for over 20 years, Travis Atkinson has witnessed remarkable transformations. Couples on the brink of divorce who learn to recognize the horsemen of the apocalypse in their communication often experience profound relief. They finally understand why their conversations spiral so quickly. They have names for the patterns that have been silently destroying their connection.
One couple (both attorneys at white-shoe firms) came to us after a fight that ended with thrown objects and serious talk of separation. Both were exhausted by the constant conflict. Both felt misunderstood and attacked. During therapy, we helped them see that criticism had become their default mode of communication. Every request was wrapped in blame. Every discussion became a referendum on character rather than a negotiation about specific behaviors.
Learning to use “I feel” statements instead of “You always” accusations seemed almost absurdly simple to them at first. Lawyers don’t struggle with language. But they struggled with this. It required vulnerability. It required admitting their own feelings without hiding behind accusations about their partner’s character. It required taking responsibility for their own emotional needs instead of expecting their partner to read minds.
Six months later, they reported that they rarely fought with the same intensity anymore. Not because they agreed about everything. They didn’t. But because they’d learned to communicate without contempt, to respond without defensiveness, and to address problems without blame. The four horsemen no longer controlled their relationship. It is the first step to a satisfying relationship, away from a selfish perspective or life.
Why Manhattan and Brooklyn Couples Choose Loving at Your Best
New York demands excellence. You don’t settle for mediocre anything. Not your career, not your apartment, not your evening plans. Why would you settle for mediocre couples therapy?
At Loving at Your Best Marriage and Couples Counseling, we offer evidence-based treatment using the Gottman Method. Not because it’s trendy, but because the research proves it works. Travis Atkinson has been a Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist since 2006, bringing decades of expertise to each session. Our team understands the unique pressures facing urban couples: demanding careers, financial stress despite high incomes, social competition, and the challenge of maintaining connection in a city that never stops moving.
We work with straight couples and LGBTQ+ couples. We understand that relationships face similar core challenges regardless of orientation, though we also recognize the specific stresses that same-sex couples navigate in terms of family acceptance, social support, and legal recognition.
Our approach is direct, sophisticated, and grounded in science. We don’t do platitudes or focus on who is wrong. We do proven techniques to help you overcome and change communication patterns, to help rebuild emotional connection. If you’re tired of the same fights, exhausted by feeling attacked or misunderstood, and ready to actually fix what’s broken rather than just talking about it endlessly, we can help.
Take the Next Step and Avoid Relationship Doom
The four horsemen of the apocalypse might be galloping through your relationship right now. Criticism. Contempt. Defensiveness. Stonewalling. They’re subtle at first. An eye roll here, a defensive response there. But left unchecked, these patterns erode even the strongest foundations.
The good news? You can learn to recognize these horsemen behaviors and replace them with healthier patterns. You can stop feeling attacked and start feeling heard. You can transform conflict from something that threatens your relationship into something that actually deepens your connection and understanding.
At Loving at Your Best Marriage and Couples Counseling, we’ve helped thousands of couples do exactly this. We’ll teach you the antidotes to the four horsemen. We’ll help you build communication skills that actually work. We’ll guide you toward the relationship you want. The one where you feel respected, appreciated, and genuinely connected to your partner.
You don’t have to let these destructive horsemen predict your relationship’s future. You have agency here. You can choose differently and overcome sarcasm. And we’re here to show you how.
Because here’s what we’ve learned after two decades of this work: relationship doom isn’t inevitable just because the four horsemen show up. What happens next (whether you recognize them, whether you learn new ways to communicate, whether you commit to taking responsibility and showing respect) determines your future.
Don’t wait until things feel hopeless. The time to deal with these patterns is now, when you still have hope, when you still remember why this person matters to you, when you’re still willing to do the work.
Connect with us. Let’s talk about what’s really happening in your relationship and how the Gottman Method can help you overcome the four horsemen once and for all. Your relationship deserves that level of commitment. So do you.
Frequently Asked Questions About the Gottman Four Horsemen
Can a relationship survive if all four horsemen are present?
Not without professional intervention. If all four horsemen have taken root in your relationship, you’re in serious danger. Gottman’s research shows he could predict divorce with 83-92% accuracy when these patterns dominated a couple’s communication. This isn’t something you can fix by reading an article or trying harder on your own.
The presence of contempt alone is toxic to relationship health and acts like relational poison. When you add criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling to the mix, you’ve created a communication environment so corrosive that the relationship cannot survive without effective intervention. These patterns feed each other. Criticism triggers defensiveness. Defensiveness escalates to contempt. Contempt leads to stonewalling. And the cycle deepens until partners feel like enemies rather than allies.
Couples who recognize all four horsemen in their daily interactions need to seek help immediately, not eventually. The longer these toxic patterns continue, the more they become your default way of relating, and the harder they are to reverse. With skilled Gottman Method therapy, couples can learn the antidotes and rebuild healthier communication. But make no mistake: if all four horsemen are galloping through your relationship unchecked, your marriage is on life support. Hoping things will improve without changing anything is how relationships die.
This version is much more realistic about the severity and urgency while still offering hope through professional intervention.
Why is contempt worse than the other three horsemen?
Contempt predicts divorce more powerfully than criticism, defensiveness, or stonewalling because it communicates disgust and moral superiority. When you roll your eyes, sneer, or mock your partner with sarcasm, you’re not just disagreeing. You’re signaling that you view them as inferior, beneath you, unworthy of basic respect. A 2019 study even linked contemptuous behavior to poor health outcomes in both partners because the psychological damage runs so deep. Criticism attacks what someone did. Contempt attacks who they are as a person, positioning you above them like a disappointed parent scolding a child. That’s why Gottman identified it as the single greatest predictor of relationship failure. You can recover from an argument where harsh words were said. It’s far harder to recover from systematic contempt that erodes your partner’s sense of worth.
How can I tell the difference between a complaint and criticism?
A complaint addresses a specific behavior or situation. Criticism attacks your partner’s character or personality. “I felt hurt when you didn’t call to say you’d be late” is a complaint about a specific action. “You’re so inconsiderate. You never think about anyone but yourself” is criticism that makes a global attack on who they are as a person. Notice the language difference. Complaints use “I feel” statements and focus on a particular incident. Criticism uses “you always” or “you never” statements and makes sweeping generalizations about character defects. Manhattan couples often struggle with this distinction because they’re skilled at constructive feedback at work but can’t separate their partner from their partner’s actions at home. Learning to complain without criticizing transforms how conflicts unfold.
What should I do when I notice myself stonewalling?
Stop and communicate what’s happening. Say something like “I need a break. I’m feeling overwhelmed. Can we continue this in 20 minutes?” Then actually take that break to calm your nervous system through physiological self-soothing. Listen to music. Take a walk. Do deep breathing exercises. The key is announcing the pause and returning to finish the conversation once you’ve regulated. Stonewalling usually happens because you’re flooded with stress hormones and your heart rate has spiked above 100 beats per minute, making constructive dialogue nearly impossible. Your nervous system is in fight-or-flight mode. You’re not choosing to be dismissive even though that’s how it feels to your partner. Taking a genuine break (not just disappearing) allows you to come back capable of actual conversation rather than just defending yourself or shutting down further.
Does practicing the antidotes really work, or is it just theory?
The antidotes are backed by 40 years of rigorous research studying over 3,000 couples. They’re not hopeful ideas. They’re proven interventions that change relationship trajectories when practiced consistently. Using gentle startup instead of criticism, building appreciation instead of contempt, taking responsibility instead of being defensive, and self-soothing instead of stonewalling are measurable skills that transform how couples communicate. Gottman found he could predict divorce with 90% accuracy based on the first three minutes of how couples started conflict conversations. Couples who used gentle startups (expressing feelings and needs) rather than harsh criticism stayed together. Those same couples practiced the other antidotes too. They built cultures of appreciation, took responsibility for their parts in conflicts, and managed their physiological responses during disagreements. This isn’t magic. It’s changing specific behaviors in specific moments, which then changes patterns over time.
How long does it take to break these patterns once you recognize them?
That depends on how entrenched the patterns are and how committed both partners are to practicing new behaviors. Some couples notice shifts within weeks once they start using the antidotes consistently. Others need months of intentional practice, especially if the four horsemen have dominated their communication for years. The Gottman Method research shows that couples who attend therapy and actively practice the antidotes between sessions see faster, more sustained improvement than couples who only discuss the concepts without changing actual behavior. Think of it like learning any new skill. Understanding how to play piano doesn’t make you a pianist. You have to practice. The same applies here. You need to catch yourself in the moment when you’re about to criticize and shift to expressing feelings instead. You need to notice the contempt rising and choose appreciation. That takes repetition before it becomes automatic. But the effort pays off. Couples report that once they break free from these toxic cycles, their entire relationship feels different.
Is it normal to slip back into old patterns even after learning the antidotes?
Completely normal. Most relationships encounter the four horsemen at some point, and even couples who’ve learned the antidotes will occasionally fall back into criticism, defensiveness, contempt, or stonewalling during stressful times. What separates successful couples from unsuccessful ones isn’t perfection. It’s repair. When you notice yourself slipping into old patterns, you course-correct quickly rather than letting the horsemen take over the entire conversation. You might catch yourself getting defensive and say “Wait, I’m being defensive. Let me try again. You’re right about that part”. That repair attempt matters more than never messing up in the first place. The goal isn’t to eliminate all negativity from your relationship. The goal is maintaining a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions during conflict so the negative moments don’t overwhelm the positive foundation you’ve built.
About Travis Atkinson and the 4 Horsemen Gottman
Travis Atkinson, founder and Director of Loving at Your Best Marriage and Couples Counseling, brings three decades of expertise to relationship healing. A Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist since 2006, he’s been mentored by pioneers in schema and emotionally focused therapies. His innovative approaches have revolutionized how couples in New York City understand and overcome destructive communication patterns. Travis’s multicultural background informs his unique view of each relationship as its own culture requiring customized understanding. He combines world-class expertise with genuine compassion to guide Manhattan and Brooklyn couples toward deeper connection, healthier habits, and lasting change.
