Your partner rolled their eyes during your anniversary dinner at Gramercy Tavern. The reservation you’d made six weeks ago. The evening you’d both protected from work obligations, phones silenced, the whole night carved out for connection.
And still, somewhere between the appetizer and the main course, you said something that triggered that look. Not the playful eye roll. The other kind. The kind that made your stomach drop while the sommelier was mid-sentence about the Burgundy. In that moment, your emotions shifted to hurt, frustration, and confusion, all surfacing as you registered the reaction from your partner.
You kept your face neutral, smiled at the waiter, ordered the tasting menu as though nothing had happened. But something had happened. Something that’s been occurring with increasing frequency over the past year. Those micro-expressions of contempt that flash across your partner’s face when you say something they find tedious. The slight curl of the lip. The exhale that communicates “here we go again” without a single word. Sometimes it’s sarcasm, sneering, or hostile humor, all forms of mockery or teasing that cut deeper than you expect.
You’re both successful, articulate people who negotiate complex deals and manage teams. You’ve built careers requiring exceptional communication skills. Yet somehow, at home, you can’t discuss who forgot to call the dog walker without it escalating into territory that leaves you both silent for the cab ride home.
On that ride, you replayed the moment. The eye roll. The way they said “Of course you’d think that” with a tone that made you feel dismissed. You wanted to say something. Instead, you watched the city lights blur past the window and wondered how two intelligent people who genuinely love each other end up here.
John Gottman, through his research at the Gottman Institute, has a name for what’s happening in your relationship. After four decades studying thousands of couples, he identified four communication patterns so corrosive they predict divorce with striking accuracy. He calls them the gottman four horsemen, or the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
That eye roll at Gramercy Tavern? It wasn’t minor. It was contempt, one of the most destructive patterns Gottman has ever measured. Understanding these patterns and the emotions that fuel them is the first step toward changing them.
Four Horsemen Gottman: Core Insights
These patterns have names, and naming them changes everything. Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling aren’t just “fighting.” They’re specific, measurable behaviors that predict relationship failure. These are also known as the four harmful behaviors, and most couples don’t recognize them until someone points them out.
Contempt is the most dangerous thing happening in your relationship. That eye roll feels minor. Gottman’s research shows it causes more damage than any other pattern. Understanding why changes how you see every conflict.
69% of your conflicts will never be resolved. Gottman’s research found that most couple conflicts are perpetual rather than solvable. This sounds like bad news. It’s liberating. The goal isn’t eliminating disagreements. It’s learning to navigate permanent differences without destroying each other in the process. Recognizing and replacing these harmful behaviors is essential for building a stronger partnership.
Each pattern has a proven antidote. These aren’t personality flaws or signs of incompatibility. They’re learned behaviors, which means they can be unlearned. Couples who practice the antidotes consistently describe their relationship feeling different within weeks. Learning to respond in a healthy way helps couples interact more constructively and respectfully. Couples can replace the Four Horsemen with healthier communication patterns to strengthen their relationship. Understanding your partner’s perspective is a key part of learning the antidotes and building healthier communication patterns. Validating your partner’s feelings is also essential, as it fosters empathy and helps resolve conflicts more effectively.
The Four Horsemen: Patterns That Predict Relationship Failure
Criticism: When Complaints Become Character Attacks
There’s a difference between “I felt hurt when you didn’t call” and “You’re so selfish. You never think about anyone but yourself.”
The first expresses a feeling about a specific action. Expressing when you feel upset, rather than attacking your partner, is more effective for resolving issues. The second attacks your partner’s entire character. The shift seems subtle. Its impact isn’t.
Criticism happens when an unmet need festers without expression. You wanted connection after a long day. Your partner was scrolling through emails, distracted, not fully present. Instead of naming that specific disappointment, you launch a broader attack: “You’re always on your phone. You don’t even care about this relationship anymore.” This kind of criticism can make your partner feel unheard and dismissed, rather than fostering understanding. Validating your partner’s feelings in these moments is crucial—it fosters empathy, reduces defensiveness, and leads to healthier communication.
Research shows that people exhibiting BPD symptoms engage in more criticism during conflicts with their partners.
“High-achieving couples often have the hardest time with this one,” notes Travis Atkinson, LCSW, LICSW, founder of Loving at Your Best Marriage and Couples Counseling and one of the first Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapists in New York. “You give precise, nuanced feedback at work all day. You know how to separate performance from personhood when you’re evaluating a colleague. Then you come home exhausted, your filters are down, and suddenly every frustration becomes evidence that your partner is fundamentally flawed. The same skill that makes you excellent at your job disappears the moment you walk through your own door.”
The Antidote: Gentle Start-Up
Express emotions using “I” statements. Focus on specific behaviors rather than sweeping character judgments. “I feel disconnected when we’re both on our phones during dinner” opens a conversation. “You never pay attention to me” closes it. Practicing good communication—sharing your feelings, listening actively, and addressing unmet needs—helps prevent criticism and builds a stronger connection.
The distinction matters. Complaints address behavior. Criticism indicts character. Your partner can change a behavior. They can’t stop being the terrible person you’ve just accused them of being.
Defensiveness: When Self-Protection Becomes Self-Sabotage
“It’s not my fault we’re late. You’re the one who had to change outfits three times.”
Notice what just happened. Your partner expressed frustration about being late. Instead of acknowledging any part of it, you immediately redirected blame back to them. Making excuses like this is a common defensive response, as it avoids taking responsibility and shifts the focus away from your own actions. The conversation that might have been “Let’s figure out how to leave on time next time” became “This is your fault, not mine.”
Defensiveness is a defense mechanism that often arises when you feel attacked or feel unjustly accused. It treats your partner as the enemy. Instead of two people solving a problem together, you have two opposing counsels making closing arguments about who’s more wrong. Recognizing and validating your partner’s feelings and making an effort to see the situation from your partner’s perspective are crucial steps to reduce defensiveness and foster healthier communication.
David and Michael had been together for nine years when they came to therapy. Both worked at Midtown finance firms, both logged brutal hours, and both felt perpetually criticized by the other about household responsibilities. A typical exchange:
Michael: “The cleaning service came today and you left dishes in the sink again. I’ve asked you so many times.”
David: “I was on calls until midnight. When exactly was I supposed to do dishes? You know how busy I’ve been with the merger.”
Michael: “I’m busy too. You act like your job is the only one that matters.” This kind of conflict highlights the importance of respect and communication in building a happy marriage.
David: “That’s not what I said. Why do you always twist my words?”
Within thirty seconds, they’d gone from dishes to career respect to communication patterns to a referendum on who valued whom more. By the time they finished, neither could remember how it started. Both felt attacked. Nothing got resolved. For many facing recurring unresolved conflicts, reaching out to couples therapists in NYC can be a valuable step toward healthier communication.
Research shows that partners of individuals with BPD display more defensiveness and stonewalling behaviors. The dynamic of one partner criticizing and the other becoming defensive is especially common in relationships involving someone with BPD.
“There’s a particular flavor of defensiveness I see in couples where both partners have demanding careers,” Atkinson observes. “You spend your entire day being evaluated, defending your decisions, proving your worth. That armor is necessary at work. But you come home wearing it, and now the same thing protecting you professionally is destroying your marriage. David didn’t need to win the dishes argument. He needed to say ‘You’re right, I should have handled that before bed.’ Seven words. But those seven words felt like surrender to someone who’d spent twelve hours in rooms where any concession meant weakness.”
The Antidote: Accept Responsibility
Take responsibility for your part, even a small part. This helps even if you genuinely believe you’re only 5% responsible for the problem. Acknowledging your partner’s feelings and considering your partner’s perspective are essential parts of this process, as they show empathy and help both partners feel heard.
“You’re right, I should have put the dishes in the dishwasher before bed” doesn’t mean you’re accepting blame for everything. It means you’re prioritizing the relationship over being right. This is a healthy way to manage conflict, as it fosters understanding and emotional safety. It creates space for your partner to soften too, to acknowledge their part, to move from opposition to collaboration.
The couples who learn this skill describe it as disarming. The fight they expected doesn’t happen. The defensive volley they braced for never comes. Instead, there’s a moment of surprise, then relief, then an actual conversation about how to handle things differently.
Contempt: The Single Greatest Predictor of Divorce
If criticism is dangerous, contempt is lethal.
Contempt is the third horseman in the Gottman framework. It positions you above your partner. You’re not just upset with them. You’re disgusted by them. Superior to them. Eye rolling. Sneering. Sarcasm that drips with disdain. Name calling. Hostile humor, such as mockery or teasing that undermines respect. “Oh, you’re tired? That’s rich. I’ve been up since five while you slept in until seven.”
This pattern doesn’t just attack what your partner did. It attacks who they are, treating them like a disappointing child rather than an equal adult worthy of respect. Contempt often acts as a defense mechanism, unconsciously masking deeper unmet needs or vulnerabilities. While it may feel like self-protection, it ultimately blocks healthy communication and connection.
Gottman’s research identified contempt as the single greatest predictor of divorce, more powerful than any other variable measured. A 2019 study linked contemptuous behavior to poor health outcomes in both partners. The psychological damage runs deep enough to affect both emotional and physical well-being. Research also shows that BPD symptoms are linked to a more negative emotional bank account in relationships, affecting satisfaction for both partners.
Rachel and James came to therapy after twelve years of marriage that looked perfect from the outside. Both partners at major consulting firms. Townhouse in Tribeca. Two kids in excellent schools. But in session, something became visible that had remained hidden even from Rachel herself.
When James talked about his day, Rachel’s lip curled slightly. An almost imperceptible expression of disdain. She didn’t know she was doing it. When we reviewed video of their interaction, she was genuinely shocked.
James wasn’t shocked. He’d been noticing it for years. That micro-expression had been eroding his sense of worth in the relationship, one conversation at a time. He’d stopped sharing things with her. Why bother, when her face communicated that whatever he said was beneath her interest?
The contempt wasn’t intentional. Rachel loved James. But somewhere along the way, accumulated resentments had calcified into disgust she didn’t even recognize she was expressing. Her face was telling a story her conscious mind hadn’t approved.
“In almost thirty years of working with New York couples, I’ve seen this exact pattern hundreds of times,” observes Atkinson. “Two people who genuinely love each other, both successful, both intelligent, and one of them has developed a micro-expression of contempt they don’t even know they’re doing. Their partner has been drowning in it for years. The moment they finally see it on video is usually the turning point. That’s when the real work begins.”
The Antidote: Building a Culture of Appreciation
Contempt grows in environments where partners focus on each other’s failures. It withers in environments where appreciation is regularly expressed and both partners remember they are on the same team, facing challenges together.
This isn’t about forced positivity or ignoring real problems. It’s about actively noticing what your partner does right. Expressing gratitude for the small things. Remembering why you chose this person. When you need to address conflict, you can do so without disgust, without moral superiority, without treating your partner as lesser. Managing conflict with appreciation can reveal positive aspects, such as opportunities for growth, deeper understanding, and increased resilience in your relationship.
The shift from contempt to appreciation doesn’t happen overnight. But it happens. And when it does, couples describe feeling like they’ve gotten their partner back after years of living with a stranger.
Stonewalling: When Withdrawal Becomes Abandonment
Stonewalling looks like checking out. Your partner is talking, maybe with increasing intensity, and you’ve gone somewhere else mentally. Staring at your phone. Organizing papers with sudden focus. Loading the dishwasher with exaggerated care. Sometimes, this takes the form of the silent treatment—complete emotional withdrawal or silence during conflict.
Your body is present. You are not.
To your partner, this reads as indifference or passive aggression. But from the inside, stonewalling usually feels like survival. During intense conflict, your nervous system floods with stress hormones. Heart rate spikes. The prefrontal cortex, responsible for rational thought and measured response, starts going offline. What remains is the limbic system screaming one message: escape. You are feeling overwhelmed, and the urge to withdraw is strong.
The tragedy is that both experiences are real. You genuinely feel overwhelmed. Your partner genuinely feels abandoned. They’re reaching out, trying to connect even if they’re doing it poorly, and you’ve disappeared. The message they receive: “You don’t matter enough for me to stay present.”
Alex, a tech executive in DUMBO, would leave the room whenever his husband Ben raised concerns about their relationship. Not dramatically. He’d suddenly remember an email he needed to send or a call he’d forgotten to make. Within minutes of any difficult conversation beginning, Alex had found a reason to be elsewhere.
Ben interpreted this as evidence that Alex didn’t care. How could he just walk away when Ben was trying to talk about something important?
What emerged in therapy was the opposite. Alex cared so much that the conversations overwhelmed him completely. Growing up, conflict in his family meant screaming matches that went on for hours. His nervous system had learned to associate relationship conflict with danger. Walking away wasn’t dismissal. It was the only coping mechanism he’d ever developed for emotional intensity he didn’t know how to regulate. Learning to self-soothe became essential for Alex, using techniques to calm himself, reduce stress, and bring down his heart rate before he could re-engage in the conversation. Taking a break of at least half an hour allowed him to emotionally regulate and return to the discussion more constructively.
Understanding this didn’t excuse the behavior. Ben still felt abandoned every time Alex checked out. But it reframed the problem from “Alex doesn’t care” to “Alex needs different skills for managing what comes up when we fight.” Regular check-ins encourage open communication and help resolve small issues before they escalate.
The Antidote: Physiological Self-Soothing
When you notice yourself shutting down, name it out loud. “I’m getting flooded. I need at least half an hour to self-soothe, and then I want to finish this conversation.”
The naming matters. Without it, your partner experiences only the withdrawal. With it, they understand you’re not abandoning the conversation, just pausing it. For the partner hearing this, a response like “Okay, take half an hour, but let’s come back to this after dinner” acknowledges the break while reinforcing that the conversation matters.
Then take that break to genuinely self-soothe and regulate your nervous system. Go for a walk. Listen to music. Take a shower. Do something that actually soothes rather than distracts. The goal is to return with your prefrontal cortex back online, capable of the kind of engaged, thoughtful conversation that was impossible when you were flooded.
The key is to re-engage after the break. Stonewalling becomes toxic when the pause extends indefinitely, when “I need a break” becomes permission to avoid difficult topics forever. The antidote isn’t avoiding hard conversations. It’s building capacity to have them without your nervous system treating them as emergencies.
“Stonewalling is the pattern I have the most compassion for,” Atkinson reflects. “It almost never comes from not caring. It comes from caring so much that the nervous system can’t handle it. Alex didn’t need to be told he was abandoning Ben. He already felt terrible about it. He needed to understand why his body was treating every difficult conversation like a threat to his survival, and then he needed practical tools to stay present anyway. It still moves me how quickly partners can reconnect once they understand what’s actually happening in their bodies during conflict.”
When couples learn to recognize defensiveness and stonewalling as they happen and practice these antidotes consistently, the Four Horsemen stop feeling like fate and start looking like habits they can change.
Why the Four Horsemen Matter
Most couples encounter these patterns at some point. You’re not doomed because you occasionally get defensive or slip into criticism during a hard conversation. The danger comes when these patterns become your default. When contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling dominate your interactions more than connection and respect do.
Gottman’s research found that stable, happy couples maintain a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions during conflict. Five moments of connection, appreciation, or understanding for every moment of friction. When the Four Horsemen take over, that ratio inverts. Negative interactions overwhelm the positive ones. The relationship’s emotional reserves drain faster than they replenish. Research also shows that BPD symptoms are linked to a more negative emotional bank account in relationships, affecting satisfaction for both partners.
Think of it like a bank account. Contempt, defensive responses, and stonewalling all make withdrawals. Appreciation, taking responsibility, and staying present through discomfort make deposits. Couples whose accounts run negative don’t necessarily fight more than other couples. They just don’t have enough positive balance to absorb the fights they do have. Maintaining a positive balance is essential for a lasting relationship, as it helps couples build resilience and stay connected over time.
“But here’s what most couples don’t realize,” Atkinson notes. “Not all withdrawals are equal. Defensiveness costs you something. Stonewalling costs you more. But contempt? Contempt is like draining the account in a single transaction. One eye roll, one sneer, one moment of disgust can undo weeks of positive deposits. And when contempt becomes a pattern, it creates relationship injuries that compound over time. I’ve worked with couples who genuinely love each other but have so much accumulated damage from years of unaddressed contempt that rebuilding feels almost impossible. Almost. The earlier you recognize what’s happening, the more you have to work with.”
The good news: these patterns are measurable, which means they’re changeable. Couples who learn to recognize the Four Horsemen as they’re happening and apply the antidotes consistently describe their relationships shifting in ways they’d stopped believing were possible.
The Gottman Method: Research That Changes Relationships
The Gottman Method isn’t built on theory or good intentions. It’s built on decades of observing what actually happens between couples.
Dr. John Gottman and his team at the Gottman Institute studied thousands of couples in their research facility, measuring not just what partners said but how their bodies responded. Heart rate. Skin conductance. Hormone levels. They followed these couples for years, tracking whose relationships thrived and whose dissolved. What emerged was a map of how relationships work and how they break down, detailed enough to predict outcomes with striking accuracy.
A key finding from the Gottman Institute is the identification of the gottman four horsemen, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, as destructive communication patterns that predict relationship failure. Dr. John Gottman suggests that avoiding the Four Horsemen is critical for maintaining healthy relationships. In one long-term study, contempt in the first year of marriage predicted divorce with startling reliability. Researchers also found that when heart rates climb above roughly 100 beats per minute during conflict, constructive conversation becomes nearly impossible, which helps explain why self-soothing works. Gottman’s work on everyday “bids for connection” shows that couples who respond to these small moments with interest and warmth stay satisfied, even when they disagree about significant issues.
Understanding these interpersonal behaviors is especially important because people with BPD often experience difficulties with understanding social cues, which affects their romantic relationships.
This evidence base is why major institutions, from the military to healthcare systems, have adopted Gottman training. And it’s why couples seeking real solutions choose this approach.
What Happens in Therapy with Travis Atkinson
Travis Atkinson has been a Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist since 2006, one of the first in New York. But his work integrates more than one approach. He draws on Emotionally Focused Therapy to help couples understand the attachment patterns driving their conflicts, Schema Therapy to address the deeper emotional wounds that make certain triggers so powerful, and the Gottman Method’s research-backed interventions to create concrete, measurable change that supports emotional health and well being.
“The Four Horsemen are the surface,” Atkinson explains. “They’re what couples can see and name. But underneath criticism, there’s usually a longing that never got expressed. Underneath contempt, there’s often years of feeling unseen or unappreciated. Underneath stonewalling, there’s sometimes childhood experiences that made emotional intensity feel dangerous. The Gottman research tells us what’s happening. Emotionally Focused Therapy and Schema Therapy help us understand why, and that understanding is what makes change last. Research also shows that emotional sensitivity and reactivity in individuals with BPD lead to maladaptive responses in romantic partners, which therapy can help address.”
The work begins with assessment. I evaluate your relationship across multiple dimensions: friendship and intimacy, conflict patterns, shared meaning. I identify which of the Four Horsemen show up in your interactions and how entrenched they’ve become.
Then, intervention. You learn the antidotes not as abstract concepts but as practices you apply to real issues in your actual life. The promotion one partner didn’t celebrate adequately. The text that sat unanswered for six hours. The ongoing disagreements about house chores or financial responsibilities in the house. You practice catching yourself before the eye roll, taking responsibility for your part before demanding your partner acknowledge theirs, naming when you’re flooded instead of disappearing.
We also work on what Gottman calls “emotional bids.” Those ordinary moments when your partner reaches out for connection. “Look at this.” “Did you hear that?” “Want to watch something tonight?” These seem trivial. They predict relationship success more powerfully than how you handle major conflicts.
How you respond to these bids, whether you turn toward your partner with interest or turn away with distraction, determines the texture of your daily life together. Couples who turn toward each other’s bids build reservoirs of goodwill that sustain them through harder conversations. Couples who habitually turn away find themselves increasingly alone, even sharing the same apartment.
Online Therapy for Manhattan and Brooklyn Couples
Most couples at Loving at Your Best work with Travis Atkinson online. For busy professionals managing demanding careers, it’s often the better choice, not a compromise.
No commute through midtown traffic or awkward elevator encounters with neighbors in a therapist’s building lobby. Your entire afternoon doesn’t need to be rearranged for an appointment. You log on from your office during a lunch break, from your living room after the kids are asleep, from a hotel room when work travel would otherwise mean missing a session.
“I was skeptical about online therapy at first,” Atkinson acknowledges. “Then I watched what actually happened. Couples showed up more consistently. They were more relaxed in their own space. They could do a session and then immediately practice what we’d discussed in their actual kitchen, their actual bedroom, their actual life. The research on videoconferencing therapy shows outcomes equivalent to in-person work, and my experience over years of practice confirms it.”
For couples where one partner travels frequently, or where coordinating two demanding schedules feels impossible, online therapy removes barriers that might otherwise delay getting help for months or years.
The patterns eroding your relationship aren’t waiting for a convenient time to address them. Neither should you.
Building New Patterns: What Changes When the Four Horsemen Lose Their Grip
Understanding these patterns matters. But recognition alone doesn’t change a relationship. The real shift happens when couples build new habits to replace the destructive ones, leading to good communication as a key outcome.
Building resilience together helps couples support each other through tough times, recognizing challenges as normal and facing them with a positive outlook. Intentional quality time, such as a regular date night, can strengthen connection and deepen the bond.
It’s also important to note that research shows lower relationship satisfaction is associated with partners of individuals who exhibit higher BPD symptoms, highlighting the importance of developing healthy new patterns.
Learning Your Partner’s Inner World
The Gottman Method calls this creating “Love Maps.” That detailed knowledge of your partner’s inner landscape. What stresses them at work right now? Can they identify what they are quietly insecure about? What do they dream about for the next decade? When did they last feel truly proud of themselves?
Most couples, even those who’ve been together for years, can’t answer these questions with real depth. Life gets busy. Careers demand attention. Responsibilities expand. The curiosity that defined early dating fades into assumption. You stop asking because you think you already know.
But your partner isn’t static. They’re changing, growing, struggling with things they haven’t told you. Couples who stay curious about each other, who keep updating their Love Maps, and who make an effort to understand their partner’s perspective through empathy and active listening, maintain connection even when external pressures intensify.
Repair Before It’s Too Late
During any conflict, things can go wrong. You slip into criticism. Your partner gets defensive. Someone’s feelings get hurt despite good intentions. This is normal. What matters is repair.
Sometimes, it helps to take a break when emotions run high. After calming down, it’s important to consciously re-engage in the conversation, returning with a clearer mind and a willingness to resolve the issue.
“Wait, I don’t want to fight about this. Can we start over?”
“I’m sorry. That came out more harshly than I meant.”
“You’re right. I was being defensive. Tell me again what you need.”
These moments of course-correction prevent small disagreements from snowballing into relationship injuries. Gottman’s research finds that couples who can repair mid-argument, especially with a bit of humor or softening, stay together at much higher rates, even when they fight often. Successful repair attempts matter more than avoiding conflict altogether. Couples who can break a negative cycle and reconnect report higher satisfaction than couples who rarely fight but can’t repair when they do.
The skill isn’t avoiding rupture. It’s getting good at repair.
What Changes Look Like
Sarah and Daniel, both attorneys at white-shoe firms, came to therapy after a fight that ended with objects thrown and serious talk of separation. Both were exhausted by constant conflict. They felt misunderstood and attacked, and even stopped believing things could be different.
“In our first few sessions, we identified that criticism had become their default,” Atkinson recalls. “Every request was wrapped in blame. Every discussion became a referendum on character rather than a conversation about specific needs or an unmet need. They were two highly skilled communicators who couldn’t have a conversation about taking out the trash without it escalating into ‘you never’ and ‘you always.’”
Learning to use “I feel” statements instead of “You always” accusations seemed almost absurdly simple to them at first. Lawyers don’t struggle with language. But they struggled with this. It required vulnerability, including admitting their own feelings without hiding behind accusations. Taking responsibility for their emotional needs and expressing unmet needs directly were also key, rather than expecting their partner to read their minds.
“Six months later, they told me they rarely fought with the same intensity anymore,” Atkinson continues. “Not because they agreed about everything. They still disagreed about plenty. But they’d learned to communicate without contempt, respond without defensiveness, and address problems without blame. The patterns that had nearly ended their marriage were still there, but they’d lost their power. Sarah and Daniel had learned to recognize them in real time and choose differently.”
It’s important to note that research shows people with more borderline personality disorder (BPD) symptoms and their partners report lower relationship satisfaction, highlighting the impact of persistent negative patterns.
That’s what success looks like in this work. Not a relationship without conflict. A relationship where conflict doesn’t destroy what you’ve built together.
Why Manhattan and Brooklyn Couples Choose Loving at Your Best
Accomplished, thoughtful people find their way to Loving at Your Best Marriage and Couples Counseling. Most have built lives that demand a lot from them: intense careers, full calendars, constant decisions. Rising to meet those demands is what they do. What brings them to therapy isn’t weakness. It’s the realistic recognition that something isn’t working and the honesty to seek help rather than letting problems compound. The goal is to build a lasting relationship and improve the well being of both partners through effective support.
Travis Atkinson has been a Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist since 2006, one of the first in New York. His approach integrates the Gottman Method’s research-backed interventions with Emotionally Focused Therapy and Schema Therapy, creating a framework that addresses both the surface patterns and the deeper wounds driving them. This isn’t therapy based on platitudes or generic advice. Every session is grounded in decades of research about what actually helps couples change.
Straight couples and LGBTQ+ couples both work with this practice. Relationships face similar core challenges regardless of orientation: the same Four Horsemen show up, the same attachment needs go unmet, the same patterns of criticism and defensiveness take hold. Same-sex couples also navigate specific stressors around family acceptance, social support, and the lingering effects of growing up in a culture that questioned their right to love openly. That context matters, and it’s understood here.
“What I’ve learned after nearly thirty years of doing this work is that most couples aren’t broken,” Atkinson reflects. “Stuck is more accurate. Patterns develop that made sense at some point, maybe even provided protection, but now those same patterns cause damage. The work isn’t about fixing what’s wrong with you as individuals. It’s about changing what happens between you. And that’s learnable. Thousands of couples have learned it in my office.”
If You Recognize Your Relationship Here
Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling are also known as the four harmful behaviors that may be showing up in your relationship right now. Often these patterns start small. An eye roll during dinner. A defensive response to a reasonable question. A partner who checks out when conversations get difficult. Over time, these moments accumulate.
None of this has to determine your future. Learned behaviors can be unlearned. Couples who recognize the four harmful behaviors and practice the antidotes consistently describe their relationships shifting in ways they’d stopped believing were possible. By learning a healthy way to navigate conflict, you can replace these negative patterns with constructive and respectful communication.
Success in this work doesn’t require having the smallest problems. It requires seeking help while hope still exists, while you still remember why you chose this person, while willingness to do the work remains intact. Waiting until things feel hopeless makes everything harder.
Ready to understand what’s really happening in your relationship? Loving at Your Best can help you learn a healthy way of navigating conflict. Online sessions make it possible to fit therapy into demanding schedules without sacrificing depth or consistency, and research increasingly supports video-based couples work as equally effective to in-person sessions.
Schedule an appointment with Travis Atkinson through the website or reach out with questions about whether this approach fits your situation. A consultation is a conversation, not a commitment. Consider it a chance to see whether this feels right for what you’re facing.
Your relationship is worth that phone call.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do we know if couples therapy is right for us?
If you’re reading this article and recognizing your relationship in these patterns, that recognition itself is significant. Many couples wait too long, hoping things will improve on their own or convincing themselves the problems aren’t serious enough to warrant help. Seeking therapy can support your emotional health and well-being, providing a space to heal, reconcile, and develop healthier communication. The couples who do best in therapy are the ones who seek support while goodwill still exists, while they still remember why they chose this person, while they’re still willing to do the work. Crisis isn’t a prerequisite. Wanting something different than what you currently have is enough.
What makes this different from talking things through on our own?
You’ve probably tried talking. Most couples have, many times. The problem isn’t effort. It’s that the same patterns keep hijacking the conversation. Good intentions lead to the same fight you’ve had dozens of times before. Therapy provides a structured space with a trained observer who can see what you can’t see from inside the conflict. Patterns that feel invisible when you’re in them become obvious when someone outside the system names them. That naming creates choice where before there was only reaction. Therapy also helps couples develop good communication skills, such as open and honest conversations, regular check-ins, and respectful dialogue, which are essential for breaking negative cycles and building a stronger relationship.
What if one of us is more hesitant than the other?
This is common. One partner often feels more urgency while the other isn’t sure therapy is necessary or worries about what it might stir up. Both responses make sense. The hesitant partner isn’t wrong to want reassurance that this will be worthwhile, and the eager partner isn’t wrong to feel that waiting makes things harder. The dynamic between the hesitant partner and the other partner can impact communication and understanding, especially when discussing next steps. A consultation can help clarify what the work would look like without requiring commitment. Many hesitant partners find that experiencing one session shifts their perspective more than any conversation about whether to try therapy.
Is this appropriate for high-functioning, successful couples?
Professional success and relationship struggle coexist more often than people assume. The couples who come to Loving at Your Best are accomplished, intelligent, and often surprised to find themselves needing help with something as fundamental as communication. Even high-functioning couples can benefit from learning a healthy way to manage conflict, focusing on constructive and respectful methods that promote relationship growth. High-functioning people sometimes have the hardest time with this work precisely because they’re used to being competent. Admitting difficulty in your most important relationship can feel like failure. It isn’t. Seeking expertise for something complex is what thoughtful people do in every other area of their lives.
How does online therapy work with demanding schedules?
Most couples at this practice work with Travis Atkinson through video sessions. No commute through midtown traffic. No rearranging your entire afternoon for a fifty-minute appointment. Log on from your office during lunch, from your living room after the kids are asleep, from a hotel room when travel would otherwise mean missing a session. Research supports video-based couples therapy as equally effective to in-person work, and many couples find they’re more relaxed in their own space. For two busy professionals trying to coordinate calendars, online therapy removes barriers that might otherwise delay getting help for months. Online therapy also supports emotional health and well-being, making it easier for couples to address issues and improve their relationship.
What happens in the first few sessions?
The work begins with assessment. Travis evaluates your relationship across multiple dimensions: friendship and intimacy, conflict patterns, shared meaning, which of the Four Horsemen show up and how entrenched they’ve become. This isn’t about assigning blame or determining who’s right. It’s about understanding the system you’ve created together and identifying where change is possible.
After assessment, you move into intervention: learning and practicing the antidotes with real issues from your actual life. In the first few sessions, couples are introduced to techniques such as gentle start ups, which involve expressing feelings and needs in a soft, non-accusatory manner to prevent conflict escalation and reduce defensiveness. Most couples start noticing shifts within weeks, not because the problems disappear, but because they finally have tools to navigate them differently.
Do you take sides?
No. The relationship is the client, not either individual. Travis’s role is to understand both partners’ experiences and help you see the patterns operating between you. The therapist also helps each person understand their partner’s perspective, which is essential for effective conflict resolution and strengthening the relationship. Taking sides would make the work impossible. Both partners need to feel understood for change to happen. That said, understanding isn’t the same as agreement. Part of the work involves helping each partner see their contribution to the patterns, even when that’s uncomfortable. Honesty serves the relationship better than false neutrality.
Can a relationship recover if all four horsemen are present?
Yes, with professional help and genuine commitment from both partners. When all four harmful behaviors—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—have taken hold, self-help approaches rarely work because these four harmful behaviors reinforce each other. Criticism triggers defensiveness. Defensiveness escalates to contempt. Contempt leads to stonewalling. Breaking this cycle requires intervention from outside the system. Couples in this situation benefit from working with someone trained to interrupt these four harmful behaviors and teach the antidotes in real time. Recovery is possible, but waiting makes the work harder. The sooner you address entrenched patterns, the more you have to build on.
Why is contempt considered the most destructive pattern?
Contempt communicates disgust and moral superiority. Rolling your eyes, sneering, mocking your partner with sarcasm, or engaging in name calling doesn’t just express disagreement. It signals that you view them as inferior, beneath you, unworthy of basic respect. Criticism attacks what someone did. Contempt attacks who they are. Gottman’s research identified contempt as the single greatest predictor of divorce because it erodes a partner’s sense of worth over time. Recovery from harsh words during an argument is possible. Recovery from systematic contempt that makes your partner feel small requires much deeper work.
Is it normal to slip back into old patterns after learning the antidotes?
Completely. Even couples who’ve done significant work occasionally fall back into criticism, defensiveness, contempt, or stonewalling during stressful times. Gottman’s research shows that even stable, happy couples slip into negative patterns; what distinguishes them is how quickly and effectively they repair afterward. Catching yourself mid-pattern and course-correcting matters more than never making mistakes. For example, if you notice yourself stonewalling or feeling emotionally overwhelmed, taking a break to self-soothe, such as deep breathing or stepping away to calm your heart rate, can help you recover and re-engage in a healthier way. Saying “Wait, I’m being defensive. Let me try again” or using self-soothing techniques transforms a potential spiral into a moment of connection. The goal isn’t eliminating all negativity. It’s maintaining enough positive interactions that the negative moments don’t overwhelm what you’ve built together.
How do we get started?
Schedule a consultation through the website or reach out with questions about whether this approach fits your situation. The consultation is a conversation, not a commitment. It’s a chance to describe what’s happening in your relationship and hear how the work might address it. From there, you can decide whether to move forward. Many couples find that simply naming the patterns during that first conversation brings relief. Whatever you decide, the call itself is worthwhile.
For more information about the Four Horsemen and relationship health, you can also visit the Gottman Institute, which offers resources based on Dr. John Gottman’s research.
