Criticism vs Contempt: How to Tell the Difference and Protect Your Relationship

Why Is Contempt Considered So Destructive to Relationships?

Gottman’s research revealed something striking. Couples who express contempt show physiological markers of chronic stress. Their bodies remain in constant fight-or-flight mode, even during mundane moments. Over time, partners in high-contempt relationships develop weakened immune systems and catch more colds, flu, and infections than their peers.

This isn’t just about hurt feelings. It’s about what happens when you live with someone who makes you feel despised.

Contempt erodes the foundation of respect and admiration that healthy partnerships need. What remains after years of sarcasm and eye rolls is a reservoir of negative sentiment—grievances that crystallize into disdain. Once contempt takes root, emotional safety evaporates. Intimacy becomes impossible.

As one of the first Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapists in New York City, Travis Atkinson has witnessed this unfold across hundreds of couples. The research matches what emerges in session after session.

How Does Criticism Show Up in Daily Life?

Every couple complains. That’s normal. You’re two different people with different preferences, and conflict is inevitable.

The problem starts when a complaint crosses a line to “there’s something fundamentally wrong with you.”

Criticism sounds like:

• “You always put your job first. Our family is just an afterthought to you.”
• “You never follow through on anything. I have to do everything myself.”
• “You completely checked out with the kids tonight. You’re so disconnected from this family.”

Notice the shape of it. “You always.” “You never.” These global statements target your partner’s character rather than addressing a specific situation.

Couples who habitually start conflict with criticism are more likely to separate. The dynamic becomes self-reinforcing: criticism breeds defensiveness, defensiveness breeds more criticism, and the whole thing accelerates.

What Does a Healthy Complaint Sound Like?

A healthy complaint sounds different:

• “I feel anxious when we’re running late. Can we plan to leave fifteen minutes earlier?”
• “I felt hurt when you were on your phone during dinner. I need to feel like a priority.”

A complaint expresses your need. Criticism bypasses vulnerability and goes straight to blame.

The differences matter. Softening your start-up—being tactful rather than accusatory—leads to better outcomes. Couples who express feelings at the beginning of difficult conversations resolve conflicts more successfully.

Criticism often signals unmet needs that have gone unexpressed for too long. Why do intelligent couples fall into this trap? Usually, because they’re overwhelmed. Criticism becomes a frantic attempt to get change fast. It backfires every time.

What Makes Contempt the Most Dangerous of Gottman’s Four Horsemen?

If criticism is the first horseman, contempt is the second—and far more destructive.

Contempt is criticism plus superiority. It communicates “I’m above you. You’re beneath me.” Gottman Method Couples Therapy specifically addresses harmful patterns, such as contempt, to improve communication and strengthen relationships.

Contempt manifests through:

• Eye rolling during a conversation about finances
• Mimicking your partner’s voice to mock their concern
• Sarcasm dripping with disdain
• Name-calling, even the “joking” kind

Why Does Contempt Wound So Deeply?

Partners on the receiving end often grow increasingly silent. They stop bringing up needs because they expect mockery. They start to believe the narrative being spoken at them: that they’re inadequate, disappointing, not enough.

What makes contempt dangerous is what it targets. Criticism wounds your sense of competence. Contempt wounds your sense of worth.

This kind of damage typically emerges after years of unresolved criticism. Long-simmering negative thoughts accumulate. Feeling chronically unheard creates resentment that eventually curdles into something darker.

Partners start telling themselves stories: he’s selfish, she’s impossible. Those narratives harden into conviction. By the time contempt becomes habitual, fondness has been buried so deep that many couples have forgotten it ever existed.

How Does Criticism Escalate Into Contempt Over Time?

This isn’t about one person being the perpetrator and another being the innocent victim. It’s about a dance that traps both partners. Neither intended this outcome.

Stage 1: Repeated Criticism: One partner expresses frustration through blame. “You never help with homework.” The underlying need is real, but the delivery lands as an attack. Over time, the complaints become habitual.

Stage 2: Defensiveness and Counterattack: The criticized partner defends themselves: “That’s not true.” Or they counterattack. Escalation builds. Neither feels heard.

Stage 3: Hopelessness: After months of this, both partners grow hopeless. They assume the worst about each other. Internal narratives assume permanence: “He’s selfish.” “She’s impossible.” The fondness they once shared gets buried under layers of disappointment.

Stage 4: Contempt Emerges: Once hopelessness sets in, contempt follows. The eye rolling. The sneers. The sarcasm. Partners no longer fight to be understood. They fight to wound.

This progression explains why early intervention matters. Criticism is recoverable. Contempt requires more intensive repair.

How Do Defensiveness and Stonewalling Make Things Worse?

In Gottman’s framework, criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness and stonewalling. The sequence becomes predictable.

Criticism triggers defensiveness. Defensiveness triggers more contempt. Contempt triggers stonewalling—complete emotional shutdown. Both partners end up more alone than when the conversation started.

Consider a couple in Manhattan. Both work demanding jobs. They have a young child. Their lives are logistically impossible.

The criticism starts with household labor. “You never handle bedtime.” Over months, it sharpens. By midnight, contempt laces every word. “You’re just like your father.”

Neither wanted this. Stress created something that now seems to have a life of its own. Understanding why this happens opens the door to taking action.

What Does It Feel Like to Receive Criticism and Contempt?

If you’re reading this, you’ve likely felt both sides. You know what it’s like to say something you regret. And you know what it’s like to receive words that land like a blow.

Receiving Criticism:

• Constant sense of being judged
• Strong urge to defend yourself
• Growing resentment
• Exhaustion from never getting it right

Receiving Contempt:

• Shame and humiliation
• Numbness or withdrawal
• Fear of bringing up needs
• Sensing you’ve lost the person who once cherished you

Professionally, many clients appear composed. Behind closed doors, they’re devastated by contemptuous comments. A single sarcastic remark—delivered at the wrong moment, in the wrong tone—can make them question everything.

What Does It Feel Like to Be the Partner Using Criticism?

This side matters too. If you criticize or express contempt, you’re probably not feeling powerful. You’re probably feeling:

• Frustrated that nothing changes
• Guilty after cooling down
• Alone with all the responsibility
• Like you’re the only one who cares enough to fight

Both positions come from fear and unmet attachment needs. Neither partner is the villain. Both deserve support in finding a way out.

How Can You Shift Out of Criticism and Express Needs Without Attack?

Here’s something that might bring relief. Criticism is often a distorted way of saying, “I need you. I’m scared. I’m overwhelmed.”

The problem isn’t that you have needs. The problem is that criticism buries the need under blame. Your partner can’t hear what you actually want.

The Transformation Process

Step 1: Notice the criticism forming in your mind. Example: “You never take our time together seriously.”

Step 2: Pause. Breathe. Ask yourself: what am I actually feeling? What do I need?

Step 3: Translate. “I feel lonely when our plans get bumped. I need to feel like I’m a priority to you.”

Gottman calls this a “gentle or softened startup.” Instead of launching into conflict with blame, you start soft. You lead with “I feel” instead of “You always.” You express what you need rather than cataloging what your partner lacks.

Watch for the physical cues that criticism is coming. Tight jaw. Raised voice. The urge to build a case. Those signals are your opportunity to slow down. Your partner is not your adversary.

In therapy sessions, couples rehearse these scripts when their nervous systems are calm. That way, the first attempt isn’t in the heat of real conflict.

How Can You Heal Contempt Once It’s Taken Root?

Contempt is serious. It’s the most corrosive dynamic couples face. But it’s not a life sentence.

If both partners are willing, contempt can be repaired. It takes intention, consistency, and often a therapist who knows what they’re doing. But it can be done.

The Antidote: Cultivating Fondness and Admiration

The antidote to contempt is nurturing fondness and appreciation. This means actively expressing what you still respect and value about each other.

This can feel impossible when you’re deep in resentment. Start small:

Daily or Weekly Appreciation Rituals:

• “Three things I appreciated about you today…”
• “Something that reminded me why I love you…”
• “Thank you for…” (specific and sincere)

Replacing Sarcasm with Curiosity:

Instead of: “Oh, that’s a brilliant plan” (dripping with contempt)

Try: “Help me understand how you’re seeing this.”

Reminiscing about happy memories can also help partners reconnect with what brought them together in the first place. The goal is to rebuild the reservoir of positive sentiment that contempt has drained.

Going Deeper: Healing the Wounds Beneath Contempt

For many couples, contempt is rooted in old injuries. Past betrayals. Chronic dismissal. Unhealed wounds from earlier in the relationship, or from childhood experiences that shaped how each partner responds to threat and disconnection.

This is where Emotionally Focused Therapy and Schema Therapy become essential. At Loving at Your Best, we help partners:

• See the pain hiding under the contempt
• Share those vulnerabilities safely
• Watch contempt soften into grief, care, and connection

When a partner who has been expressing contempt can finally say, “I’ve been so scared that I don’t matter to you,” and the other partner can really hear it, something shifts. The armor comes down. Real repair becomes possible.

What Does a Typical Destructive Cycle Look Like in Practice?

Defensiveness happens when you receive criticism or contempt. It’s natural to protect yourself:

• “That’s not true, I did help.”
• “Well, you’re the one who…”
• “Yes, but you don’t understand…”

Defensiveness escalates conflict because it communicates that you’re not taking any responsibility. Your partner’s experience gets dismissed. This triggers more criticism or contempt from the other side.

Stonewalling happens when conflict becomes too overwhelming. One partner shuts down. Goes silent. Stares at their phone. Leaves the room.

Stonewalling often looks like not caring. It’s usually a sign of emotional flooding—heart racing, adrenaline surging, a mental white-out where thinking clearly becomes impossible.

How It Plays Out:

One partner uses contempt: “You’re hopeless with money. I can’t believe I have to deal with this.”

The other partner stonewalls: stares at their phone, goes silent, walks away.

Both leave the conversation feeling more alone. Nothing gets resolved. The same fight returns next week.

In Gottman-informed therapy, couples learn to take breaks when flooding starts:

• Agree on a signal that either partner can use to pause the conversation
• Take 20-30 minutes to physiologically calm down
• Focus on self-soothing: breathe, walk, listen to music
• Return to the conversation at an agreed-upon time

The goal isn’t to avoid conflict. It’s to engage when both of you can think clearly.

How Does Online Couples Therapy Help Change What’s Happening?

If you’ve read this far and recognized yourself, you’re probably feeling a mix of things. Maybe scared. Maybe hopeful. Maybe uncertain whether anything can actually change.

The honest answer: it depends on whether both of you are willing to try something different. Couples who seemed completely stuck have rebuilt something stronger than what they started with. The ones who succeed aren’t special—they just learned to see what was happening between them clearly enough to do something about it.

Travis Atkinson brings decades of Gottman research into practical, structured work with couples throughout Manhattan and Brooklyn. His approach helps partners transform conflict rather than just manage it.

What Working With Loving at Your Best Looks Like:

Assessment: The work starts with a thorough assessment using Gottman Method tools. This helps identify exactly where criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling show up in your specific dynamic.

Real-Time Work: In sessions, actual arguments slow down so you can see what’s happening as it unfolds. You’ll notice when criticism is about to emerge. You’ll catch contemptuous body language before it lands.

Building New Skills: Multiple evidence-based approaches combine:

• Gottman Method: Practical communication tools and conflict blueprints
• Emotionally Focused Therapy: Accessing and sharing deeper attachment needs
• Schema Therapy: Understanding old triggers and core emotional themes
• Mindfulness: Staying grounded when intensity rises

The focus stays on the core dynamic rather than assigning blame. Both partners learn to see the pattern as the enemy, not each other.

Is This Approach Right for High-Functioning Professional Couples?

High-functioning couples from finance, tech, law, medicine, and creative industries often seek this work. They come not because things are “over.” They come because they want to protect something precious before it’s too late.

They recognize that successful partnerships don’t just happen. Partnership requires skill, practice, and sometimes guidance. Seeking help isn’t weakness—it’s the same kind of strategic investment they make in every other important area of their lives.

Therapy provides a confidential, nonjudgmental space where both partners’ experiences matter. The goal is never to pick sides. It’s to change the dynamic so both of you can feel safe, seen, and valued again.

Learning to see what’s happening as “our thing” rather than “your flaw” is often a turning point. It shifts the conversation from blame to curiosity. From attack to partnership. This perspective aligns with the Four Horsemen Gottman Method, which outlines key communication pitfalls and solutions for stronger relationships.

Frequently Asked Questions About Criticism vs Contempt

How do we know if online couples therapy is right for us?

If you recognize yourself in any of these descriptions—the criticism, the contempt, the defensiveness, the silence—therapy can help. You don’t need to wait until things feel dire. Most couples wait six years too long before seeking help. Early intervention prevents years of accumulated hurt and can enhance your connection before relationship issues become entrenched.

What makes this different from talking things through on our own?

A therapist helps you see what you can’t see from inside it. When you’re in the middle of a fight, you’re too close to notice the moves you’re making. The Gottman Method and EFT provide structure and resources that a self-guided conversation lacks. You learn specific tools and practice them in a safe environment before trying them in a real conflict. Research shows that couples who work with trained professionals break negative behaviours faster than those who try to talk through issues alone.

What if one partner is more hesitant than the other?

This is common. Often, one partner feels more urgency, while the other worries that therapy will make things worse. A good therapist addresses both concerns and creates a sense of safety for each person. Hesitation makes sense, and it doesn’t have to stop you from exploring whether this might help. Neither partner is the innocent victim or perpetrator in most relationship issues. Taking responsibility together is what matters.

Is this appropriate for high-functioning, professional couples?

Absolutely. Many successful couples struggle with these dynamics precisely because they’re used to being competent at everything. Relationship skills are different from professional skills. Intelligence doesn’t protect you from getting stuck in a bad dynamic. In fact, research from the Gottman Institute shows that professional couples often fail to seek resources until conflict has caused significant hurt. Putting your relationship first isn’t weakness—it’s wisdom.

How does online therapy work for busy schedules?

Online sessions offer flexibility that in-person therapy cannot match. You can connect from your office, home, or anywhere in the world with privacy. Sessions work around demanding professional schedules without adding commute time. This format lets you deal with relationship issues without the stress of rushing across town.

What happens in the first few sessions?

Initial sessions focus on assessment. You’ll complete questionnaires about your history and current situation. Both partners share their perspective. Together you’ll identify the specific dynamics that keep you stuck. Travis will remind you that there are no excuses needed for seeking help. Many couples assume they should handle things on their own, but research shows that’s rarely the best approach.

Do you take sides?

Never. The goal is to understand what’s happening between you, not to assign blame. Both partners contribute. Both partners deserve to feel heard and understood. There is no innocent-victim-or-perpetrator-attacks framework here. Instead, you’ll learn to see how each person’s behaviours and response patterns together create the conflict.

What does John Gottman’s research from the Gottman Institute say about criticism vs contempt?

John Gottman, a best-selling author and relationship researcher, spent over four decades studying what makes relationships succeed or fail. His research at the Gottman Institute revealed that criticism and contempt are two of the four horsemen of the apocalypse—communication behaviours that predict divorce with remarkable accuracy. Gottman found that contempt, which attacks your partner’s character from a position of relative superiority, is the single strongest predictor of relationship breakdown. The research shows that couples who express contempt have weakened immune systems and experience more stress-related illnesses. John Gottman’s work also demonstrated that the first horseman (criticism) often escalates into the second horseman (contempt) when relationship issues go unaddressed.

How do the four horsemen of the apocalypse from Gottman research predict divorce?

The four horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. They are behaviours that Gottman Institute research found can predict divorce with over 90% accuracy. When these horsemen of the apocalypse appear regularly in conversation, they create a world where partners feel upset, hurt, and disconnected. The horsemen form a cascade: criticism triggers defensiveness, which leads to contempt, which causes stonewalling. Research shows that without intervention, this sequence is almost inevitable once it begins. The four horsemen target the core of your relationship, the sense that you’re on the same team.

What is the connection between contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling in relationships?

Contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling often appear together because each behaviour triggers the next. When one partner expresses contempt through eye-rolling, name-calling, sarcasm, or mocking, the other partner’s natural response is defensiveness. Defensiveness and stonewalling then follow as the attacked partner tries to protect themselves from feeling despised. This sequence of contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling creates a world where real conversation becomes impossible. Research from the Gottman Institute shows that breaking this sequence requires both partners to take responsibility for their own behaviours rather than assuming the other person is entirely wrong.

Can criticism attack your partner’s character without you realizing it?

Yes. Criticism often uses “you” statements that target your partner’s character rather than addressing specific behaviours. For example, “You never help” attacks your partner, while “I felt overwhelmed tonight” addresses the situation. These statements communicate that something is fundamentally wrong with your partner as a person. The intention may not be to hurt, but the impact attacks their sense of worth. Research shows that partners on the receiving end of character attacks feel upset, withdraw from conversation, and eventually fail to bring up needs at all. Putting effort into noticing when your complaint crosses into criticism is critical for relationship health.

What resources does John Gottman recommend for dealing with the four horsemen?

John Gottman and the Gottman Institute developed specific antidotes for each of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. For criticism, the resource is a gentle, softened startup, leading with “I feel” statements rather than “you always” statements. For contempt, the antidote is to build a culture of appreciation and put fondness first. Research shows that reminiscing about happy memories can enhance connection and help partners deal with conflict more effectively. For defensiveness, taking responsibility for even a small part of the issue changes the conversation. For stonewalling, the resource is physiological self-soothing, taking time out during conflicts to calm down before you talk again. These Gottman resources have helped many couples break free from the horsemen.

How do long-simmering negative thoughts lead to contempt in relationships?

Long-simmering negative thoughts accumulate when relationship issues go unaddressed. Over time, partners start to assume the worst about each other’s intentions. A forgotten errand becomes evidence that “he doesn’t care.” A sharp comment becomes proof that “she’s impossible.” These long-simmering negative thoughts eventually crystallize into contempt, a sense of relative superiority where you view your partner as beneath you. Research shows this transition is critical to catch early. Once you feel despised or begin to feel that your partner is fundamentally wrong, intimacy becomes almost impossible. The world shrinks to keeping score rather than building connections.

What’s the difference between a complaint and a criticism that attacks your partner’s character?

A complaint addresses a specific behaviour or situation. For example: “I felt hurt when you didn’t call.” Criticism attacks your partner’s character with global statements. For example: “You never think about anyone but yourself.” The core difference is that a complaint assumes good intention, while criticism assumes your partner is flawed. Statements that use “you always” or “you never” inevitably target character rather than behaviour. Research shows that complaints are actually healthy. They are how partners communicate needs. Criticism, by contrast, makes your partner feel upset and defensive. Learning to express needs through complaint rather than criticism is one of the most critical communication skills for relationship success.

Why do many couples fail to recognize the four horsemen until it’s too late?

Many couples fail to recognize the horsemen of the apocalypse because these behaviours often feel justified in the moment. When you’re hurt, criticism feels like a reasonable response. When you feel despised, defensiveness and stonewalling feel like self-protection. The four horsemen also build gradually. What starts as occasional criticism can, over the years, become habitual contempt. Research from the Gottman Institute shows that couples typically wait six years before seeking resources, by which point the horsemen have become entrenched. Remind yourself that these behaviours predict divorce, not because they’re occasional, but because they become the default way partners deal with conflict. Putting attention on these patterns early is critical.

How can we break the cycle of contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling in our relationship?

Breaking contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling requires understanding that neither partner is the perpetrator, while the other is the innocent victim. Both people contribute to the cycle through their behaviours and response patterns. Research shows several strategies that work: First, take responsibility for your own part rather than making excuses. Second, express needs through complaint rather than criticism that attacks character. Third, build appreciation rituals that remind you why you chose this person. Fourth, learn to take breaks when flooding starts, helping you talk without stonewalling. The Gottman Institute resources emphasize that change requires intention from both partners. You cannot control your partner’s behaviours, but you can change your own response.

What role does stress play in triggering the four horsemen of the apocalypse?

Stress is often the fuel that turns ordinary relationship issues into the four horsemen. When you’re overwhelmed by work, child responsibilities, or life pressures, your capacity for patience shrinks. Minor frustrations that you’d normally handle become triggers for criticism. Research shows that couples under chronic stress are more likely to express contempt, fail to take responsibility, and resort to defensiveness and stonewalling. The stress response puts your nervous system in fight-or-flight mode, making it harder to stay calm during conversation. Gottman Institute research demonstrates that external stress from the world outside your relationship often gets misdirected at your partner. Recognizing when stress is the real issue can help you deal with conflict without letting the horsemen take over.

How do we get started?

You can schedule your first session by tapping the “Book Now” button, reserving a convenient time that works for you and your partner. Travis Atkinson draws on John Gottman’s research and Gottman Institute resources to help couples break free from the four horsemen and rebuild connection. Whether your relationship issues involve criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, or all of the above, there are pathways forward.

That eye roll at 10 pm in your Brooklyn apartment? It doesn’t have to define what comes next.

At Loving at Your Best, we specialize in helping couples transform conflict into connection through evidence-based therapy that integrates the Gottman Method, EFT, Schema Therapy, and mindfulness. If you’re ready to break the criticism-contempt cycle and rebuild what matters most, schedule your first appointment for couples therapy in NYC for secure online couples therapy sessions. You don’t have to figure this out alone.