Can you count on your partner?
Not knowing whether your partner will blow up at any moment has real costs, emotional and physical. A 2015 New York Times piece highlighted new research on the physical effects of relationship conflict.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/10/26/the-ambivalent-marriage-takes-a-toll-on-health/?_r=0″ target=”_blank” rel=”noopener”>NYTimes). In twenty years of working with couples, this rings consistently true. The body can easily be flooded with adrenaline during a conflict, especially when high levels of anxiety are present. When partners are distressed, anxiety can take over every element of the dynamic. After two minutes of adrenaline, your nervous system can take up to 20 minutes to regulate. Distressed partners have a lot of cortisol releases, and a lowered immune system takes a toll on overall physical health.
Some key findings from marriage and couples researchers include:
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Harsh startups almost never end well: 96 percent of the time the outcome of a conversation can be predicted by the first three minutes of a 15 minute conversation
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When all four ingredients of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling are present in a relationship, the chances of the relationship ending increase to 94%, unless there is an active intervention to change the dynamic
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Criticism boils down to: what is wrong with you?
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Defensiveness sends a message to a partner that “the problem isn’t me, it’s you”
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Contempt is feeling disgust toward a partner or spouse: it is the result of a repeated pattern of negativity in a relationship. The recipient of contempt gets physically ill 33% more often than partners in healthier relationships. Stonewalling often feels like self-protection, a way to prevent the conflict from escalating further. A University of Virgina study by James A. Coan’s research showed that secure couples have a calming effect on each other during stress. Inconsistent support can be more disorienting than consistent unavailability.
Problems in a Marriage Can Become Intractable
Get help before the problem becomes intractable
As the lead researcher in the University of Virgina study, James Coan, suggested, even couples in distressed relationships could seek counseling before the problems in the relationship became intractable. John Gottman’s research found the average couple waits 6 years before seeking therapy. Dramatic change in relationships is possible, and often faster than people expect. As long as neither partner has truly given up, couples therapy can create real change.
A Clear Path to Positive Predictability in a Marriage
Couples seeking therapy often arrive stuck in patterns that started with one small, unaddressed conflict. Therapy targets the cycle: understanding negative patterns and finding a new way to respond. Though painful at times, the gains from couples therapy often far outweigh the difficulty.
Are you in an ambivalent relationship? Take the online quiz: AMBIVALENT?
Sources: the New York Times, October 26, 2015, and The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman (Harmony, 2015).
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Anyone living with anxiety will tell you how difficult it is emotionally, mentally, and physically. It can trigger a sense of panic, fear, and a general sense of uneasiness. Anxiety can also bleed into different aspects of your life, including marriage. Is your husband’s anxiety ruining your marriage? Don’t despair. This marital issue is more common than you think.