Does your husband, wife, or partner accuse you of being “needy” in your relationship? Do you sometimes feel overwhelmed when your partner doesn’t respond the way you need? Do you ever want closeness with your partner, then end up pushing them away? In past relationships, when someone was genuinely available, did you get bored or push them away? If you relate to some of these experiences, you most likely experience what we call an anxious-preoccupied style of connecting and relating in your relationship.
An attachment style isn’t a personality trait. It’s a learned response to early experiences. You may crave closeness while simultaneously fearing it, pulled in two directions at once. Most likely, you carry a history of painful, failed relationships. When someone available for real connection comes along, it can trigger fear rather than relief.
How This Plays Out in Relationships
When anxiety and instability are at the core of your intimate relationships, you most likely reach out to connect with your spouse or partner when you are reunited and then suddenly get very anxious and freeze up or retreat at the slightest hint of insecurity or danger. How does your partner experience you in moments like this? They likely experience you as distant, even as you insist otherwise. When your partner tries to repair disconnection, they’re likely met with more protest or demands.
Children with anxious attachment develop it when caregivers are inconsistently available. Clingy, loud responses make sense when the caregiver’s availability is unpredictable. A parent who was preoccupied with their own anxieties often couldn’t provide consistent care. In adult relationships, this anxiety can look like intense reactivity when needs aren’t met. Instead of inviting them to be closer, the fussy behaviors end up distancing them more.
Going Deeper
When you were physically separated from your parent as a child, you’d most likely cry a lot and and show a lot of distress to your caregiver, even to the point of being inconsolable. Uncertainty about whether the caregiver would return you most likely would feel over-stimulated as a child and go through “primal panic” that would feel like a threat to your survival. When the caregiver returned, your response was likely mixed: relief alongside anger or resistance. This resistance could help protect you from feeling hurt when your mother or caregiver would ignore you or withdraw. That resistance often frustrated the parent and prevented the reconnection you needed.
In adult relationships, you may respond with anger when your partner tries to connect. This often means literally pushing them away, through arguments or withdrawal. It’s a protective response, guarding against the abandonment you expect.
How This Plays Out in Relationships
You may also have feelings of guilt about perceiving that you are a burden on your partner, so you may defend against feeling disappointed by sabotaging positive experiences.
When you have an anxious-preoccupied way of connecting, you tend to be self-absorbed and unavailable to your partner. The preoccupation can focus on yourself, your family, your work, or your love relationship, and you take on an angry, irritable tone. You demand that your partner regulate you without regulating your partner, putting a great deal of pressure on them that leads to more distance and more anger. The result is that you feel helpless and your sense of powerlessness leads to more anxiety, anger, and blame. You and your partner may start to believe that the other chooses not to be close.
How Can You Shift From Anxious-Preoccupied to Secure in Your Connection?
A main goal is to understand the wounds or injuries that have occurred in your life that lead to behaviors that end up pushing your partner away. As a couple, you can both work to understand and have compassion on the anxious-preoccupied partner’s history and the pain this emotional state brings up inside. You can’t heal your injuries alone, and need your partner’s help to feel safe and secure in your relationship.
In the face of anxiety, your challenge is to override your urges to push your partner away, and instead reach out to them, expressing your fears and asking for reassurance in a way that invites your partner to help you. Instead of your partner expecting you to attack them, or never be satisfied, you expose your partner to experiences when all they needs to do is stay emotionally available with you when you’re in pain. The more you reach out and invite your partner to be with you, the more confidence your partner will have that they can feel safe with you, and want to be closer.
Share Your Experiences in Your relationship
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